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Wednesday, December 30, 2009 High Bill = I Don't Have to Pay It A gentleman told me today that it was ridiculous that his bill was so high. It was outrageous, the overages displayed on the bill. He demanded that I do something about it. I will be happy to. May I have your credit card number so I can process a payment for you? What I find ridiculous, sir, is your feeble attempt to shame me in to crediting your overages. Because there is nothing ridiculous about you going over your minutes, and us showing it to you. And your story of how it was my company's fault? Well, sir, I submit that your story is the most ridiculous thing I have ever fucking heard. This guy made a rate plan change 7 MONTHS AGO, and now blames the rep that suggested the rate plan to him for his overages, more than half a year later. So I obliged the customer and pulled the last 3 bills before the rate plan change. He had 3000 minutes for $139.99 per month for the first 2 lines and 9.99 each additional line (he had 3 more for a total of 5). Minute usage as follows: 1st bill-1500 mins. 2nd bill, 900 mins. 3rd and final bill before rate plan change-400 mins. So the rep made the SUGGESTION, and I captalize that word to draw attention to it so you can see that it is not the phrase "forced at gun point," to change to an 1800 minute rate plan, for $50 less than what he was paying. The customer agreed, which means, he knew how many minutes he had. Seems pretty simple to me, sir. You are the dickhead, not us. You see, "I cannot pay my bill," does not mean the same as, "You credit these charges!" The latter will cause a significantly longer conversation than the former, and you will just leave the conversation upset. Pay your fucking bill. If you can't, utilize the phrase, "I cannot pay my bill," and let me make payment arrangements for you. Don't let me hate you and wish death upon you. Happy New Year! 
Thursday, December 24, 2009 Fuck You, Tosser! People are fucking assholes. At no point in a customer service conversation should the sentence, "I am speaking the Queen's English," ever be uttered. The first reason is, we don't speak the Queen's English here in America. We speak a bastardized version of it called "American." The 2 are hardly the same, you wanker. Second reason is, you are purposely being an asshole. That sentence is in no way conducive to a productive conversation. And I assure you, the three at a time cock smoking wench that said this to me, was indeed an asshole. She also asked me to verify if we were or if we were not in the United States of America, which sort of contradicts the Queen's English question. Please understand something from someone who works in the customer service industry: Being a fucking dick accomplishes nothing. I cannot tell you any better than that, even if I were to use the Queen's English. I am not saying that you can't be mad when something is wrong (which was not the case here; customer did not pay her bill and it was my fault, of course), but you don't have to try to be all clever and do a Don Rickles routine on me. Just tell me what the issue is, I will kiss your ass and fix it. Because believe me, if I was not at work, and you said that shit to me, I would rape your ears with the clever foul mouthed insults that I would hurl at you. Like a Jedi fucking Knight. Now go have yourself a merry Christmas, sausage wallet.
Monday, December 21, 2009 How Can You Smell That Over The Phone? A woman informed me that I would be giving her a free phone today. She was wrong. This woman told me that she dropped her phone and cracked the screen. Not having insurance, she sucked it up, put some tape on it or something, and continued to use it. Later on, she started to experience some malfunction with it. Not that shocking. What I found shocking, however, is her demand for a free phone, stating that the phone was defective, and the malfunction that she was experiencing was not a result of the damage to the phone, but rather a manufacturing defect. She told me, as opposed to asking, to send her a new phone, free. Now I should have know that reasoning with this person was futile as a she was clearly out of her fucking mind for telling me such a story. However, I did in fact mention to her that her phone no longer has a warranty, what with the physical damage. The woman said that she knew that her dropping the phone had nothing to do with the issue she was experiencing and to "trust her." Lady, you're 100. Excuse me if I doubt your ability to run a full diagnostic on a piece of electronics. She actualy said to me, "YOU DON'T KNOW THAT IT IS BECAUSE I DROPPED IT!" Yes, but I do know that the only way your are going to get a new phone for free is through a warranty, and that phone doesn't fucking have one anymore. This woman actually escalated over me, and I was the 3 person she spoke to. Really? How many times do you have to hear a polite re-phrasing of "You are crazy, smelly vagina lady" before getting the message? Apparently a minimum of 4.
Monday, December 14, 2009 This Post Doesn't Come With Free Money When a customer tells me something is unacceptable, it makes me want to hurt their faces. How are you going to ask for a supervisor, explain to me a mistake that you made, demand a total credit of valid charges, and the when I say something like, "payment arrangements," then YOU tell ME that something is unacceptable? I bet your mouth will accept my fucking fist. A customer tells me today that she went online and changed her rate plan. She also tells me that even though there were no indications, or promises or anything at all stating that unlimited messaging was included, she went ahead and assumed that it did, and now wants credit for valid text charges. Well, I think we all know what assuming does. It makes an ass out of you. Not me, just you. How fucking retarded is that? Then comes the bullshit logic. "Well it didn't say that it doesn't come with unlimited messaging." For real? What else does it not say that is not included? A trip to Hawaii? My cock in your mouth? Well, it's your lucky day because you are going to get one of those. Don't worry, you won't have to say Aloha. Your mouth will be full anyway. Lady, do you realize how much cyberspace it would take up to list everything a rate pan does not include? A fucking lot. That's why we do it the easy way and tell you what it is included with, and any thing else DOESN'T FUCKING COME WITH IT! And I like how people try that, like it's the first time I heard that. Yeah, you're a genius. Now pay me.
Saturday, December 12, 2009 Gimme Da Money Brazen. Desparate. Balls the size of skyscrapers. I would use all of those to describe the gentleman who asked me for a $100 credit. We did make some billing errors and corrected those. But when the credits did not take off enough of his balance (you know, to make it $0), he comes up with this figure as an amount equal to an hour of his time. See after all his credits were applied for the erroneous charges, he asked for more charges to be removed, but they were valid. Of course, he was not interested in how I could prove that they were, at some point stating that he did not care what I said, rather just credit them. When I explained there was nothing left to credit, he got to what he was really asking for: "A credit for my inconvenience." I think inconvenience credits are bullshit. The first reason why I think they are is because I don't think there is such a thing. If we fuck up, we credit the errors. If you are without service, I will even credit you for that time, if it is our fault, be it data or voice service. But an inconvenience credit is you asking for a handout. Secondly, I can throw an arbitrary figure at you, you will find it insulting, I will ask you what you think is fair, you will throw some ridiculously high number at me, genreally the exact amount of your past due balance, I will hit mute and fucking laugh my ass off, then tell you that if don't find that appropriate and we will go back and forth like were are haggling over a used car, until you ask for my supervisor. This call was no different. This fucking clown asked me to give him $100 (oddly enough almost the exact amount of valid charges I refused to credit) for wasting an hour of his time (I assume he is a hooker, and this was an hour he could have spent going ass to mouth). I offered him $10. Now I arrived at this figure because his total monthly charges were less than $100. Now I worked out the math, and $10 is just under 3 times what he is paying per day, let alone an hour. However that isn't nearly as impressive as saying, "That is only 10% of what I asked for!" This guy was actually a much bigger asshole than I am making him out to be, making outrageous claims, like the one were I apprently told him I was never wrong. He also put time limits on being put on hold to find a supervisor that he asked to speak to. I had to leave 2 pages of notes in his account. My favorite part of the call: When he claimed that someone told him that he could send 1000 emails from his phone while travelling internationally without being charged.
Tuesday, December 08, 2009 My Fault, Your Fault...I'm Going to Yell A woman told me that if I did not do as I said I would do, she would go after my job. Guess what the problem was? She made a payment online, all by herself, and paid more than she wanted to, and left herself with no money. Guess who's fault it was? If you guessed hers, we are like minded, and I respect that. If you guessed my company's, you will suffer an excruciating death, just like this lady. Apparently, this woman also paid by check and when you do that, we have to wait 10 days for the payment to clear before a refund can be issued, unless you can fax over a running bank statement from the bank proving that the money cleared. If you are not sure why this is the policy, allow me to explain: woman pays by check, it posts immediately. She requests refund, we give it to her, then the bank declines the payment. We just gave her money that she never gave us. Simple, right? Well not if you are like this bitch. Apprently, only walking to her office and handing her cash would be fast enough. So she keeps calling and escalating and hanging up on people, she faxes over illegible insufficient documentation, only prolonging the process. Of course I was quite cordial, telling her that I was doing everything I could, blah blah blah, when I really wanted to scream at her, "YOU DID IT! IT IS YOUR FUCKING FAULT! NOT MINE, YOURS! THE NUMBERS ON YOUR KEYBOARD ARE CLEARLY MARKED! IT CAN"T GET ANY EASIER!" But, because I want to keep my job, I rolled along with the charade until I was done, and bored others to tears with the events of that call, just like I am with you right now. Folks, I cannot stress this enough. I will take accountability for any error my company makes. With a smile. Hell, if you catch me on the right day perhaps even a song. But if you call me, and tell me that something that is obviously your fault, is my fault, and you get shitty about it, I will be nice to you on the phone, but I assure you, I curse you. I curse you so that your children will know what a pathetic piece of shit you are, and that they may feel it in their teeth. If you are cool with that, fine. Give me a call.
Monday, December 07, 2009 C U Next Tuesday! Today a woman informed me that she would start talking slower so that I could understand her. Lady, it is not that you are speaking too fast, it is that you are speaking cunt, and I don't speak that. Now, I RARELY use the "c" word, but that is what that lady was. This lady was patronizing the fuck out of me and asking for shit that does not exist. Puck, a fellow blogger, recently made a post about this very thing. Do not get pissy with me, when you want me to do something that is not possible. I am not a servant, nor a magician. We have what we have, and what we don't, you cannot have. I do not understand why people walk around under the impression that the earth revolves around them. It does not. It revolves around the sun, which provides light and heat. You, lady, provide nothing warranting an orbit from me. You did however warrant the "c" word, so congratulations on that.
Saturday, December 05, 2009 Cocky Math Lesson People are cocks. Bossy cocks. I don't like being bossed around by cocks. Explain to me how it is rational to not pay your total bill EVER, even bounce a check and then call me and threaten to quit? I mean honestly, fuck it; take your bouncey bounce checks elsewhere for all I care. Maybe you will find a cell company that runs on dreams, good intentions and worthless pieces of paper with numbers scribbled on them. and do you think I am gonna cancel your fucking past due account and add another $700 in early termination fees that you won't pay? You sir, are a fucking dummy. And I tell you another thing, if you cut me off again to tell me that I am wrong, I will punch the fucking hair off your head. It is simple math: total balance minus nothing equals FUCKING NOTHING. NOT MY FAULT. BY AN ABACUS.
Wednesday, December 02, 2009 Saying Fuck = Gets Things Done Swearing is neato. The 4 of you that read this blog will undoubtedly pick up on the fact that I enjoy it. However, I do not believe that I have ever called a place of business that I was a customer of, and swore. I have fucking manners, is why. I bring this up, because a customer's last words to me today were, "Fuck you!" Hilarious? Sure. Did it make my day? Of course. Was it really necessary? No. I mean, and to hang up afterward is cowardly. Stay on the line, see what my response is. I can't swear back, so what might I say? Folks, swearing at a customer service rep or their supervisor accomplishes nothing. In fact, it may even close any openable door to you and cancel any negotiation possibilities. What bothers me about this, though, is that the customer presented her problem, and I presented multiple solutions. Now, she declined them all, obviously, because none of them involved her getting anything for free or me breaking a federal law. But the part that bothered me more than the swearing is the, "You are not trying to help me!" that she exclaimed right after I tried to help her. So, fearing dizziness from the endless circle we were involved in, I kind of closed the conversation manually (as opposed to of it's own volition) with, "So I have presented multiple solutions to your issue today, was there anything else that I could help you with?" Thusly came the, "Fuck you!" Or, wait...maybe it was, "Thank you."
Tuesday, December 01, 2009 Merry Christmas! Here's a Cell Phone Bill! I have to admit, while I despise lying, I kind of like talking to liars at work. Especially the really horrible ones that are clearly trying to fabricate some bizarre implausible scenario, right there on the phone to try and remove themselves from blame. Then there are some people that don't even try. They just say the dumbest shit. As per usual, I bring you real life examples: * "I cancelled this account in 2003." While the obvious route would be to point out that she has been getting bills for 6 years, so how could she not know her account was still open, I chose to go with another piece of conflicting eveidence: The account was opened in 2005, and thus did not exist in 2003. Fucking dumbass. * "Well, no one told me about the upgrade fee." "So you were not quoted $200 for the price of that phone?" "Yes I was." "Well that price includes the upgrade fee." "Uh...I wasn't told about the upgrade fee." "Well, again, sir, that $200 price point includes the upgrade fee, so if that is what you were quoted, you were advised of the total price, including the fee." "Uh...I was quoted $182, because there was no upgrade fee." Come on, dude, really? There are already words out there that I heard you say, you can't backtrack. You can't agree to something and then call back to fucking haggle about it. This isn't a car dealership, it is what it is, accept it or don't FUCKING BUY IT! So this useless piece of garbage asks to speak to me because the rep she was talking to was intelligent and not buying her story, and she wanted to try it out on someone else. She has some overage of minutes (she has a bucket of 600) and text messages (she has a bucket of 1000). This lunatic actually says to me that she "assumed" her incoming calls her free, because no one told her that they were not. The bullshit logic. Immune to the bullshit logic tactic, I quickly said that we would not be crediting those, as none of our rate plans have free incoming minutes nor do we advertise that. Never brought up again. So here's the lie: "Yeah, I upgraded to unlimited messages, so I assumed I had that." Now rather than waste my time getting in to the samantics of assumed vs. knew, I told her that I was concerned (aw) that she requested a feature that she obviously did not have. So I asked when she requested it. "A while ago. I don't know." Sigh. "Can you approximate?" "Yeah, like December." "Well, ma'am, I see that you have had this 1000 messaging package since March, so that would mean if you requested it in December, you must have changed it in March. Let me check that." "Oh, no, yeah, I request unlimited in March, cause that is when I went to 600 minutes, right?" "Yes, ma'am." Now, I am abridging this conversation so as not to bore you anymore than you already are, but you should know that this woman is talking at great length, about her superb payment history and how she never calls in to complain. Oddly enough, there is a note on the account about her hanging up on a rep after being told charges were valid, and she has been suspended at least 3 times for non payment. So after some research, I find a note that clearly shows that she went from a 400 message package to 1000, based on her usage. I mean this note was superb. I looked at the prior 3 months worth of bill that predated that note, and sure enough, the one right beofre it, she went over the 400, but was still under 1000. The one before that, under 400. The one before that, under 400. So, switching to 1000 would be pretty logical. Armed with this knowledge, ready to end the call with a "no credits are due" speech, I get back on the phone, and let her have it. To my surprise (and by "to my surprise" I mean "as I expected") she is infuriated, and then claims that she is receiving poor customer service. As we all know, not crediting $800 of valid charges = shitty service. Now, I read this woman word for word what that rep's note said, and this douche pouch...this, bloated yeast ridden hosebag, committing to her lie, states that the note does not indicate that she agreed to the 1000 package. "Well, actually, ma'am it does." "No! It says that she added it, becasue she did! It does not say 'I spoke with customer and explained 1000 message package and customer agreed' because that is not what happened!" So what she would have me to believe is, despite the customer asking for unlimited, she purposely put 1000 on, and then to be consitent with her chicanery, documented it as such. Come on, lady you can do better than that. And to test that, I will lob this ball on to your side of the net: "What about the 8 months that have gone by where this feature has been on your bills and yet there has been no call to us to discuss the error?" I like to do that because it forces them to tell me the reason why so I don't have to say it for them and thus come across as rude: "Because I have not had any overages until now." EXACTLY. You asked for a feature, we gave it to you, and you have been using it fine for 8 months, and then one random month you go over because you can't fucking check your own usage, and now it is my fault. WRONG. I know it is hard to count to 1000, but we do it for you in various ways. Oh, but that would require work on your part, wouldn't it? And you're not down with that, are you? Despite the effort you are putting in to lying and yelling at me when I am merely doing my job. So, she threatened to quit, and when I called her bluff, she did not quit, and asked for my supervisor. After talking to him for 45 minutes, she still received no credits. Looks like she has a real entertaining story to tell her Christmas present-less family.
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