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Saturday, October 31, 2009 Mail in Jackassery A man is on the phone with me. Actaully, he is on the phone yelling at me, upset that he did not get his mail in rebate. In order to qualify for a mail in rebate, on the form that you fill out and mail in, there is a list of things that you must do in order to qualify, mostly involving the addition of a data or messaging feature at a certain price point, depending on the model handset you purchase. Now this guy has already admitted twice that he did not read said form. However, he maintains that it is my company's fault, specifically the sales rep's, because it was not verbalized to him that he needed to add a feature. I explained that the form that he wrote on does explain this. His reply: "Sir, do you really think all of America is literate?" What in the fuck? First of all, who am I, USA Today? Secondly (and I told him this), if you could fill out the form, I assume you are literate, so that comment is not relevant. I explain to the gentleman that I would be glas to qualify him by adding the required feature for the specified amount of time. "I can't afford that!" Of course you can't. You just blew your income on a $300 phone, jackass. 
Wednesday, October 28, 2009 C.A.V. Dance Announcement! The following 2 sentences do not mean the same thing: "I want to talk to your supervisor." "I want to talk to someone who will do it for me." The first one is pretty straighforward. "One moment, I will let you talk to my supervisor," would be the natural response. The second one, I feel is a trick. For you see, when someone says that to me, I usually respond with, "There is no one for you to speak with who will do that for you." This creates a brick wall; "What do you mean, there is no one? Are you the president, do you not have a supervisor?" Well, of course I do, dickhead, but that is not what you said. You see, my supervisor will not give you a $470 credit (actual request from someone today) either. But now, you will correct yourself and then ask for my supervisor properly, and then lie to him and tell him that at first I refused to let you speak to him. Then you will bitch about how my company is wasting your time., when in fact, you are taking the time to escalate over every fucking person who is telling you that the charges are valid and that you must pay your own bill. Go ahead and throw your 3 months of tenure around as well. Do the whole song and dance. I have never heard it before. You are the first person to be an asshole and try to get something for free. Here are 2 sentences that do mean the same thing: "The charges are valid." "The charges are valid."
Monday, October 26, 2009 Good Idea! It occurs to me that if you have to create a "war room" in which supervisory staff is required to go to periodically to discuss things that are going wrong with the new changes that were put in to effect, that you probably should have done further research. There is something unnerving about seeing an Outlook reminder pop up telling me to go there.
Saturday, October 24, 2009 Take a Laxitive Every once in a while while on a call I find some funny notes written by other reps. For example, a long time ago, there was one that said, "Customer was acting a donkey..." which I assume the the "not get fired" way of saying they were an ass. Here is one I found today, and please note that it was written by a supervisor: "I apologized for the customer's incontinence." Now, I fortunately saw this during the transfer of the customer, so I was able to get all the laughing and comments out before I spoke to them. Now obviously my first instinct is to assume they meant to type "inconvenience." But that word was spelled correctly, and maybe the customer was experiencing blockage and felt like unburdening themselves. In that respect, I imagine that incontinence is inconvenient, and kudos for that supervisor for relating to the customer.
Wednesday, October 21, 2009 I Don't Wanna! I spoke to this woman today about her bill. Now, it is not unheard of for there to be a billing issue. However, in my experience, the legitimate billing issues are identified by the frontline reps. The "billing issues" that get brought to me via escalated customers, are 99% customer not wanting to pay for their own lunacy. As was the case with this woman. She had gone 1200+ minutes over what was in her plan. Needless to say this caused a bill that was several hundred dollars. I don't get the knee-jerk reaction of calling immediately to dsipute something you have not researched on your own. This one was quite simple and spelled out on her bill: you talk a fuckload. When the rep explained that in a more customer servicey way, the customer advised that the overage was in fact, due to her attempting to add a specific number to her (name of feature that involves unlimited calling to certain numbers), and it not going through; in fact there was an hourglass on her phone, for what I guess was the rest of the bill cycle. So I asked her if she called to report this issue (I ask the customer questions like that to get them to first lie to me, then upon hearing me tell them what actually happened, try to back out of it) and she said yes. This fucker hadn't called in 8 MONTHS. I mean not once. I told her that and she dodged the issue, and told me, not asked, but told me to give her a credit for the charges. I explained to her that I could not, and furthermore the absence of that number did not actually cause the overage, she still would have had over 800 minutes in overage. She also accepted a $50 credit as a courtesy adjustment, and was advised that she was responsible for the charges, prior to talking to me. Customer then does the obligatory "I am going to (insert any competitor her)!" I guess because she doesn't think I know that every fucking company charges for overages. I offer payment arrangements and she says, exactly the following, "I don't wanna." Really? That's your pitch? "I don't wanna?" I did't ask you to clean your room lady, I am trying to keep your service on. Why can't people juxtapose themselves? Can she really not see the other side of that? Like if I ran in to the whorehouse she worked in, had $500 worth of sex with her, and then refused to pay? Does she really not see how that is absurd? I guess it is hard to see when you have a dick in your mouth and your face pressed against a hairy belly.
Halloween So Bryan and I discussed plans for Halloween this year and well, we are gonna be Sid and Nancy... I need a blonde wig.
Tuesday, October 20, 2009 Gobble, Gobble, Mother Fucker I took an escalated call from a customer who referred to the rep that transferred her to me as a turkey. She then begged my pardon for such language. Happy Thanksgiving, everyone.
Uh... ...so is this what is was like when I didn't post for 3 years?
Monday, October 19, 2009 "Thank You, Come Again! So a customer told me today that he did not understand me because he does not speak my language. Confused, as we had both been speakig English the entire time, I asked him to clarify. He said, that he does not speak Indian. I assured him that I was from America, and that I had never even been out of the country and he actually told me that he didn't believe me. I mean, there isn't anything wrong with being Indian by any means, but really, dude? Really? I should also mention that this guy was so Greek, he invented Ouzo, and I could barely understand a fucking word that came out of his Feta cheese eating face.* So, I found that comment a little incongruous. *Not meant as a slight against the Greek. Just an illustration of the inappropriateness of the commnent. I love Greece. Yay Olympics.
Wednesday, October 14, 2009 Guh? So the guy on the phone says to me, "I didn't call Directory Assistance, and when I did, they gave me the wrong information." I realize that even out of context he comes off as stupid, but allow me to place it in to context, in order to illustrate just how stupid (or not interested in sounding credible) he really is. Customer has some calls to Directory Assistance on his bill. $1.79 per call. The first thing he tells me in regard to them is, that he did call, but he was given the wrong information, and that he called back demanding a credit, which they must not have given him, what with his balance being so high (high meaning over the amount he is willing to pay no matter if he is to blame). I researched and found that he in fact did this, and did find the credits as promised. Upon telling him this, his story changed to, "I never called Directory Assistance." Well, then I guess I can debit your account for the what must be an erroneous credit. His story changed again to the above statement in the first paragraph. I explained to him that the statement contradicted itself, which in his language I can only assume means, "I am the one that stole your sister's virginity," because he was pissed. He did eventually let me explain how the sentence was contradictory, which caused him to change his story yet again, to, "I never said that I didn't call Directory Assistance." "But sir, you just told me that you did not call them." "No I didn't. So all the other Directory Assistance calls that I did not get credit for are wrong, because I didn't call them. So give me a credit." At that point, I started to do the heaving breathing thing that Robert Vaughan does in Baseketball. Ultimately, I explained that the same serial number of equipment was used on those calls as well as other calls he admitted to making, thus are valid. I would say nice try, but, no...no, it was fucking lousy.
Tuesday, October 13, 2009 Today's Cocksmoke So, basically the only calls I take are requests to speak to a supervisor, unless we are having some kind of crisis, like, uh...hm...just off the top of my head...a data outage on a really popular gay phone and it is really fucking busy. I have been a supervisor in many a job and it amazes me the lack of accountability that some people have. The sense of entitlement that they carry. They fuck up, or change their mind, and I am supposed to ignore all sense of policy and business practice and suck their dick. Or tit. So fella calls today. In February, he agreed to 5 24 month agreements, 1 for each line that we gave him a free phone on. He goes through an automated system that explains that he will be entering in to this agreement on each line and there is a penalty for breaking it. For each line. It even asks for you to press 1 to accept and 3 to decline, still giving you an out. So this guy tells me that one of the users (of the 5 lines) is going to another carrier and he would like to cancel that line. When he is advised of the Early Termination Fee, he flips out. I mean he fucking freaks. First he actually admits to accepting the contracts, but it was because we offered free phones, and who wouldn't just say yes? Well, then I don't get the problem. He then says that it was illegal and misleading. The fuck you talking about, YOU agreed to it. He failed to explain what was illegal, but obviously he was trying to scare me into crediting the charge. He then stated that we never told him about it, to which I advised the automated system he went through did, to which he replied well it didn't say it was $200, to which again, I advised the automated system did. He then said that if I told him he agreed to the contracts electronically (and he said that word mockingly, exaggerating it like a ghost would say it), he would puke. His final plea was that it is just good customer relations. You know what, you're right. Let me waive the $200 so you can cancel. If you like I can also get you the unlock code for that free phone and use it at another carrier, saving you even more money! Hooray! He ended that call very unhappy. This happens all the time. People go to fucking outer space, and use their phone all day and night, and then call in to demand that we waive the space roaming charges they incurred while talking on Mars. And they are angry about it. And don't mention payment arrangements. That implies that they are liable for the charges. "Well, your store told me I could use this phone in space! I have an interplanetary rate plan!" Right, well let me refer you to the store location on Neptune and you can dispute the charges there. Ha, space roaming. That is funny.
Monday, October 12, 2009 Damn This is just how I am feeling today.. Enjoy
Saturday, October 10, 2009 Stupid Humans So years ago when I had like 8 blogs, I worked at a call center and described the stupid humans that I would encounter on a daily basis on a blog cleverly titled, "Stupid Humans." You may remember this blog as being fucking hilarious and better than any other one on the planet, with this one being a possible exception. Well, guess what? I still work in a call center. Different company. Same fucking idiots! Well, not the exact same ones, but you get the idea. So I shall regale you with humorous stories once again. Here are today's highlights: 1. Gentleman did not understand that Mexico is in fact, another country, and not in the U.S. Thus, he should not be billed for dialing internationally. He further tried to illustrate this point by saying that where he lives in California, Mexico is closer than Hawaii, which does not cost anything to call, but is across the ocean. He also complained that he was given a Geography lesson rather than just having the charges waived like they were supposed to be. Then he employed the "bullshit logic" as I call it. "Well, I was never told that Mexico was not included in my plan..." That is the dumbest fucking excuse. I can use that anywhere to get anything. "Well, geez, no one told me that I would not get $500 cash in my cable bill each month, let me speak to your supervisor!" No one told that you COULD call Mexico either dipshit. 2. This was not done today, but I maintain that it is the dumbest, and yet funniest shit anyone has ever said to me on the phone. You ready? As I was going over a bill, a man interrupted me and uttered the following, "I'm not illegitimate. I can read." I am pretty sure I put him on hold and made an announcement to the call center that he had just said that. Oh, the ironing.
Friday, October 09, 2009 Dear Nay, I tried to go read your blog and it said I was not fucking invited! I find this very disturbing and think it is just plain ol bullshit! I would appreciate it if you would rectify this in a timely fucking manner. Sincerely, Robin
Thursday, October 08, 2009 Balloon Fiaster Sooo tonight I am without kids, having wine and well. relaxing. Tomorrow we are going to the glodeo for the special shape balloons and I will be posting pics if something heinous doesn't happen to my camera, etc.. Weird day ya'll, been having some people come into my life that I didn't think I would ever hear from again.. What's up with that? One of them -well I won't go there lol. Peace out and all of that good stuff...
Fuck Something I like saying the word Fuck, it commands attention. So without posting what would be quite the literary dagwood describing the events of the last 3 years, I will tell you a story. I have been without a driver's license for the said 3 years and have been recently taking the neccessary steps to get it back. I get it. You fuck up, it is not supposed to be easy, and you pay your debt. However, it took me 4 fucking times to get signed up for the damn class (that I have taken before). The first time I went they were closed that day. The second time I went, I had a rainforest amount of trees in paperwork, however I was lacking 1 sepcific one. So I went to get that, and I immediately noticed that all the info on it was contained in the rainforest I previously brought in, but I guess if it ain't on 1 specific form, then what good is the info? So I go back for the 3rd time; CLOSED. Really? I mean honestly, can you smell me coming? So today, I went for the 4th time, ready to take hostages. I gave them my pillowcase full of money, filled out 11 forms and ta-da! All signed up. And with a bit of good news. They called DMV and were able to waive what would most assuredly been the most costly and difficult part of getting my license back. Moral of story: Pillowcase full of money = gets things done
Wednesday, October 07, 2009 Signing Damn realtor talked me into buying a house. Must be this damn desert with all of it's greeen chile, pinon nuts, balloon fiasters, snowy mountains, weird folks, and of course green chile, wait did I say green chile more than once? I signed on a foreclosure TRAILER HOME of the DOUBLEWIDE kind this afternoon. Lots different than the cute historic home that I contracted with all summer long but with polyester curtains and a redwood deck. lol.. Robin welcome back you asshole, good to FINALLY hear from you lol.
I was wondering Are we still doing half nekkid Thursday?? I need to start working out!
arelbee I demand that Robin returns!
Sunday, October 04, 2009 Since I Have Been Gone Well it's been a long time... I have come to find that some of my very favorite bloggers no longer have profiles at all. We all had a tight thing going for a long time and I will have to say that when I finished school, left the gridless home, found Crackspace, I abandoned my special outlet. Things have changed for me. The boys and I moved on and are renting a home on 5 acres, I work for a badass plastic surgeon in Albuquerque who's specialty is repair of cleft lip and palates. He does some pretty boobies, facelifts, blepharoplasties, and so forth as well. I call it boobies for babies because the money he gets for his cosmetics goes towards renting planes to fly all over and fix these cute kids. I rescued a damn mule and a mustang filly, and pretty much life is good with the exception of living on a water haul. I have also rescued a 1956 canned ham travel trailer that I am restoring. Her name is Gladys Belle. I found PBF when I was on today and although I have questions for him like where the hell have you been, was glad to know he's still out here. Oh for the love of blogging.
Ahem When can I start bitching?
PBF Returns! Wow and unbelievable... Welcome back Peanutbutterfilthy.
Open Fer Business Ok all.. Let's see where this goes. I am bringing the girl up from the dead and changing a few things. Where is everybody anyway????
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