Those We Love
Monday, May 15, 2017
Thursday, June 14, 2012
Ooooohhhhh this is sad....
Saturday, June 09, 2012
I am going camping, I am going camping!!!!! With probable 0 answers, what is everyone else doing this weekend???
Thursday, June 07, 2012
Just a thought... I think most of us reach the end of our life without knowing our fullest capabilities....
Wednesday, June 06, 2012
Well I got back with 1 of our old blog friends, Carlos! I asked him if I was still his bitch lol and I am... I am going to try to get this going again as we were a pretty tight group.. or I may be the only one blogging lol.. I don't know.. I am open to ideas..
Tuesday, June 05, 2012
It has been so very long since I have last posted.. My life has certainly changed since I was last on and just as crazy as ever! I have visited a few of the old sites to see that most haven't posted in years, I guess with Facebook, Myspace and Twitter nobody has time for stinky old E Blogger lol... I am guilty of having and maintaining a FB account and used to maintain a Myspace as well but never tweeted.. I don't even like that word tweet :) I may change the blog a little as I am mainly into vintage campers these days and really really like flamingos.. It's like Flamingo Follies!!!! TTFN!
Monday, August 30, 2010
Following Instructions is for Chumps
I would like to conduct an experiment. Take out your cell phone and dial your carrier's toll free or three digit phone number to reach Customer Care. During the automated message, pretend like you are having a technical issue with your phone and route yourself to tech support. If the automated system did not tell you that you must be off of your phone to perform troubleshooting, then pay no attention to the following rant. For you see, my company's automated system (and likely every other one on the planet) does tell you that. So it begs the question, why the fuck do so many lunatics call in on their cell phones, hear that, and still continue? It is especially awesome when I ask if they are on the phone, and they say no. Caller ID confirming that they in fact are worthless pieces of shit liars calling from the phone, I always immediately ask them to take the battery and SIM card out of their phone, to see if they will commit to the lie and get disconnected, or admit that they are on it. Usually they tell me that they are on the phone, and ironically hang up on my hopes that the call will drop. A similar situation I come across is when a customer tells me that they can make absolutely no outgoing calls, and again, the caller ID on my desk phone reads, "Don't trust the liar!" Once again, "Please take out the battery and the SIM card." "But if I do that, we will get disconnected." Sigh. Why would you call on the phone you are having problems with knowing we will be troubleshooting? Let's me apply this logic in another scenario. I take my car to a repair shop. They tell me that they will need to work on the engine and to leave the keys with them. I reply, "No, I am going to drive it around town. Work on the engine while I drive the car." I just don't understand why people can't just do what they are supposed to do. They are only wasting their own time. See, as much as I hate talking to you, it's my job and I have to. You on the other hand, are out there in the world, lowering property value and eating everything in sight. Don't you want to be as productive as possible on this phone call and get back to eradicating any shred of evidence that humans are a respectable species? Too bad there isn't tech support for your dumb fucking head.
Thursday, July 29, 2010
Your Money's No Good Here
If your account is past due, you are not allowed to upgrade your phone. The reason for this is a simple one. If you can afford a phone, you can afford to pay your bill first. And if you can't afford to pay your bill on time, you shouldn't be shopping for phones.
So a customer calls in today. Her account is past due, and has a payment arrangement set for tomorrow ready to come out of her bank account. It is not for the entire past due amount, however. Despite this, she wished to upgrade her phone today, but set the payment for that phone (we require payment first) to come out of her account tomorrow as well. First of all, I am not even going to get in to the system limitations involved in trying to set up a payment arrangement on top of payment arrangements for balances that don't even exist yet. Secondly, come on lady. I hope you don't have any kids because I am sure that they are starving right now, because you spend all your money on high end data phones that you refuse to add web features to, reducing your BlackBerry into nothing more than a Motorola RAZR.
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
What's the 411?
"I know she didn't dial 411."
I have many issues with this statement. Let me first differentiate between "accident" and "did not." If someone states that the dialed directory assistance by accident, that is at least somewhat believable. Our phones usually come programmed with 411 in the contacts, often at the top of the list. I myself, having more than a few touch screen phones, have brought my contact list up unintentionally. An accidental dialing of 411 is easily diagnosed. Usually 1 minute. Multiple 1 minute calls in rapid succession. However, when someone claims that they, or in this case, the customer's daughter did not dial it at all, and furthermore, that they know for a fact that another party did not dial it, I find that a little harder to believe.
I guess my most immediate reaction would be to point out that if they did not make the calls, they would not be on the fucking bill, but that usually gets dismissed right away. People don't want to hear about the "physics" of how easily phone calls can be tracked on a mobile network. It's really fascinating. I wonder if they would apply this same defense in a murder trial. "I didn't kill him." "But someone saw you stab him, in your house, with your own kitchen knife." "No." Notice the absence of any proof to the contrary offered in this example. This always happens. I am expected to just take "no," or "I didn't do it," with no further explanation, I assume because they fancy themselves a deity of some sort, and one does not question a deity.
Another problem I have with this specific incident is that the customer is assuming the behavior of not only a 3rd party, but a teenager. Teenagers have the attention span of crack addicted ferrets. Is it impossible to believe that a teen could be hanging out with friends at the local drive in, or whatever the hell it is kids do today, decide to go somewhere and they need a phone number? You're right lady, that is the craziest shit I ever heard. Also, and I have said this before, you are not with that person 24 hours a day. The likelihood of them actually going to a drive in nowadays is slim. What you don't know that they are doing would frighten the shit out of you. Dialing 411 is the least of your worries. Why don't you go dispute charges with her drug dealer and see how that works out for you?
Someone used a great analogy. It's like going to the grocery store. The groceries got in your fridge somehow. There is a receipt for them. You are drinking the Pepsi that was bought. Now, I am not saying that you bought it, but someone did. You cannot go back to the grocery store and then say that no one bought it and demand money back. You fucking lunatic.
Friday, July 09, 2010
N Word, Please!
One of my reps was called the "n" word today at work by a customer. I would say the word, but culturally, I have not been given permission to use it in public. I assure you, the word is not "nice lady," or "neat gal." I find this absurd for a number of reasons. The first and most obvious, is that the girl is not black, nor does she sound black. In fact, when she smiles in New England in February, she disappears. Second is, really? Really? In 2010? You are going to call a place of business and do that? What does that accomplish? If you think that the rep will get all offended and sad, and have to seek therapy, in this case, you are wrong. She was super excited and told the black rep sitting next to her as if to empathize with her people's suffering. Now at this point you might be assuming that the customer was just using the word as a generic insult. You might have been right, if the customer didn't also call her "homie" a few times in a sarcastic fashion. However, you did brighten my day, so, thank you douchebag!
Friday, June 11, 2010
The Courtesy is You Talking to Me That Way, and Not Having to Suck My Dick
I hate courtesy credits. I feel like it is should be against the law for people to ask for them. Furthermore, the first person ever to suggest the idea of them should be drawn and quartered. If that person is dead, they should be reanimated, then drawn and quartered. Courtesy credits basically give license for any irresponsible jackass to do whatever the fuck they want, then call a company, throw their tenure around, and threaten to quit if the company doesn't credit a shit load of valid charges. I also find it ridiculous, nay, ludicrous, when words like "not fair," "unacceptable" and "Better Business Bureau" are mentioned. The other day, a customer had purposely paid all of their bill except the overage, and let it go past due. They then called Customer Care for a credit. Not to ask for one, but to GET the credit, that this dipshit convinced herself was deserved for no other reason than that no one in her real life will listen to a fucking word she says, so has to resort to bullying faceless Customer Care reps. The rep that she was speaking to, at my suggestion, and in attempt to retain the customer (which of course I understand is the important thing; but I also am not running a fucking charity), offered to credit half the charges as a courtesy. The customer balked at this and asked to speak to me. And while I am at this point of my story, can I tell you a secret? If you are talking to a Care rep, and ask for something that goes outside of policy, then that rep places you on hold and comes back with an offer, they asked a supervisor for advice. So you refusing and then asking to speak to a supervisor, isn't going to do anything more. In fact, if I personally am that supervisor, and you then refuse the offer I told the rep to make and ask to speak to me, you have just capped your courtesy credit offer, and I will not offer any more. Which is precisely what happened here. I spoke to her and was scolded, and given a speech in which I was described as having no customer service skills. First off lady, my customer service excellence is trademarked by my ability to listen to you drone on and on and hurl personal attacks at me just like your husband does to you, without ripping you fucking head off verbally. Not by the amount of money I hand out. Secondly, take ownership. If you you hadn't gone over your minutes while yelling at the Hershey company for making you fat, we wouldn't be talking to each other right now. I didn't make those calls, just like I didn't stuff that chocolate down your gaping neck hole. The customer actually refused the credit again, and said that she would call back, and I am sure she did, and some asshole probably credited the charges, thusly undermining me and making me look like I in fact did have poor customer service skills. You know, I get it. Customers are important. Without customers I would have no job. Allow me to show you the other side of that coin. I give away a shit load of money, I still have no job because the business goes bankrupt. How about I chose to make you pay for what you should have to pay for, and the business stays intact, and if you leave, someone else takes your place? Hm. I like that better than giving away free money that will eventually affect my paycheck and cause a company to go out of business and then there are no customers to serve.
Tuesday, March 02, 2010
"What's with this bill? I have the free plan."
I have not updated in a while and for that I apologize. It has not been due to lack of material, I assure you. I have been busy with my other site, which you should check out and enjoy. Enough with the shameless self promotion, on with the swearing!
I heard possibly the dumbest shit yet while listening in with a rep. The customer was suspended for not paying his bill, which he said was "annoying." You know what else is annoying? Giving away free service. He said the following, "I am tired of you guys cutting my service of for being a month and a half past due. You are the only company that does this. It is so annoying, I had to get a prepaid phone with you guys just so I could have service." Wow. You are a dumb fuck. Money is money, and no money is no money. It doesn't matter if you pay for the service before or after you use it. If you don't have the money, you don't have the service. He had the balls to ask how much it would cost to cancel his service. More money, fucko, that's how much. And good job making it our fault that you don't have service. And speaking of money, I get real tired of hearing, "Why is my bill so high?" Seriously? That is the reason why you called customer service? I hate this for two reasons. 1. You have a bill. You can see for yourself why your bill is so high. You just want to argue with someone about it. 2. You fucking know why. You know what you did. I can't tell you how many times, people have bought a phone, sometimes 2, and "forget." Then when I remind them, they argue about it. "Well, I was told that I would get $300 off the phone," or "He said I would have to pay for until 6 months from now!" Come on, jackass, we read you a script when we sell you a phone. You are entering into a legal contract, of course we are going to read a script to you. I actually spent the better part of an hour, convincing this customer that he in fact bought a phone. I had to convince him, despite the fact that I could see the order, see that he a data plan specific for that phone, could see that he had used it and that HE WAS USING IT TO TALK TO ME. "Oh yeah, I bought that. Uh, I was told it would be free." Fuck you, dude.
Thursday, February 04, 2010
I Know You Are But What Am I?
A customer called me a cocksucker. That is rather presumptuous. How would he know if I suck cock?
You know, a conversation between an escalated customer and a supervisor is a funny thing. Just because someone escalates, doesn't mean that they are irate or a dickhead, sometimes they just want to speak to someone who they think can do something the first rep cannot. This customer actually started out really nice. Then without warning, much like tourettes syndrome, he up and called me a cocksucker. In fact, he up and did it at least 6 times. There were a couple of motherfuckers in there as well but cocksucker was the the comment that made me reflect a little on this call. I mean, most escalated calls are a negotiation of some sort. You have the customer wanting a specific solution, often times, not one that is possible, so the supervisor then haggles, throwing other offers out there. That being said, I wonder what made this guy think that calling me a cocksucker, and several times, would be a good negotiation tactic. Would that work, say, at a Sotheby's auction? Some guy bids $500, and then some other guy yells, "Ah, you COCKSUCKER!" "The Manet goes to the gentleman with the superb vocabulary."
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
This is the 450th Post on This Blog
It's true, it really is.
Every time I take an escalated call and the bill is over $1000, I die a little on the inside. Because it doesn't matter how valid the charges are or what the circumstances are, the customer is enraged and absolutely not going to even entertain the thought of paying this bill. Here is a tip, folks, that will save you some time. If you don't want to pay your bill, you do not have to speak with a supervisor. You don't need my permission, throw that shit in the trash, I don't care. Now, rare is the occasion that I come across a bill this high and it actually is valid, but even rarer is the occasion when the customer admits to causing it. This customer has a wireless internet stick for laptops. This product has a data limit threshold, and if you exceed it, you get charged $.20 per MB. Now, admittedly, we should probably have some kind of system in place to stop someone from going over that threshold, and make it optional, in case someone wouldn't mind paying for the overage if they have to use more than the threshold allows. BUT WE DON'T. However, we do send you a nice message on your dashboard that warns you at least twice how much you have used, how much you have left, and that we will be charging you for the overage. We sent 3 to this customer. The customer admitted to getting 1 of them. However, they ignored it, stating, "Ah, I'll never go over." Well, that was real fucking dumb. $989 dumb. The customers actual dispute was that they could possibly have used that much data in that timeframe. I did my best to explain that we bill by measurement of data and not time, but it's kind of hard to come up with a convincing argument when you aren't allowed to speak more than 3 words. The conversation was not very productive and they ended the call, but they still have an $1100 bill.
Monday, January 18, 2010
Yeah, That's the Ticket
After I listened to a woman lie to me for the better part of an hour, I informed her with a pleasant sugary coating, that she was a fucking liar and what she said happened, did not. She told me that we were not helping her, and when I told her that we did, she said, "No you did not! I have talked to 5 people and they all say the same thing. That I am wrong and they won't give me a credit." Gee, you seem to speak English, how is it that you cannot comprehend it? You see, lady, if you are getting the same answer no matter whom you talk to, whether they are Reps or Supervisors, the problem might be YOU. You see, getting what you want, does not equal helping you. It can, but not all the time. This is not one of those times. And stop telling me how much time you have spent on the phone and how many times you have told your incredibly engaging story. THIS IS YOUR FAULT. Believe me lady, I have been trying to get off the phone for quite some time now, but you insist on having me hear this ridiculous story that even Tommy Flanagan wouldn't believe. I also found it funny that she paid the charges, thus accepting the responsibilty, but called back later to dispute them. Sorry, lady, doesn't work that way.
Sunday, January 17, 2010
Ye Olde House of Trickery
Customers think that they are awfully clever. They come up with something all by themselves, and they freak out and try to trick me with it. Let me give you an example:
me: "Well, sir, since your phone is out of warranty, you can upgrade, or if you do not wish to extend your contract, you can pay retail for a new phone."
customer: "No, I upgrade all my phones at the same time. Can't you just, you know, send me a like new phone that is the same as this one, for free?"
me: "Well, sir that would be a warranty exchange. But as your phone is no longer covered under warranty, I can upgrade you, or if you prefer, you can buy a retail price."
customer: "Look, just send me a free phone with no contract."
me: "Sir, again, I cannot-"
customer: "Let me get your name."
customer: "So PBF, you are saying that you cannot do anything for me, right?"
Stop right there. No. I am not saying that. In fact, I mentioned a couple of options. But you are some crazy dickhead, and think that if you get my name, I will get all scared and shit, and start giving you inside secrets about the company and free shit so that you won't tell on me. Well, guess what shitbag, I've been doing this a long time, and while you have to bounce from carrier to carrier, because everyone gets tired of your shit and doesn't let you bully them around, I will be here providing service to the millions of other customers that actually understand how life works. Customers that don't need to be coddled to and have someone jerk them off whenever they want to feel good. So take that shit to Grasshopper Wireless or whoever. Kiss My Ass plan is only $29.99.
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
Principle is Expensive
Telling me that you will not pay your bill is an empty threat. It also is a very poor negotiation tactic. As is threatening to cancel, and that one really just makes you look retarded if you are under contract. If you tell me that you will not pay your bill as retaliation because I will not credit valid charges means nothing. It actually is your right. You don't have to do a goddamn thing you don't want to, but don't expect to have cell phone service for much longer. And threatening to cancel is bullshit. So what you are saying is, because I would not credit $50 of valid overages, you are willing to cancel 3 lines that are under contract, which would be $600, on top of the $50 overages? That's gay, dude. Oh, wait. You're also not going to pay your bill? Ah, I see what you did there.
Monday, January 11, 2010
Your Money is No Good Here, Whore
Apparently, I jerked this lady around tonight by not selling her a phone that we did not have in stock. So she is going to tell on me by emailing the C.E.O. Really lady? Let me examine this situation. You have gone through numerous reps before getting to me, who have all told you the same thing, that the phone is not in stock. We have all offered other phones for you in it's place, but you demand that it be sold to you at the other model's price. So you argue with every person you get on the phone with (and then complain to the about the amount of time you have spent on the phone). Really? Do you honestly think that we all have nothing better to do than to not sell you a phone, charge you a bunch of money, and lock you in to a 2 year agreement? Not only does that not make good business sense, but it doesn't make any logical sense, because the last thing I want to do is argue with your fucking ass all night.
Tuesday, January 05, 2010
Welcome to the Wonderful World of Magic
The company I work for, does not practice magic. We don't have wands, we are not psychics, and I will be goddamned if I will be walking through the Great Wall of China. I say that to say this: If I am not a magician, then how else to you explain those charges on your bill? Let me elaborate.
Very often (98% of the time) a customer will ask for me to dispute a charge or charges on their bill. Most of that time, the defense is simply, I did not do it. Take for example the fella (I actually did not get to talk to him as he hung up before the transfer, I assume because he realized what a filthy fucking liar he was) that disputed incoming calls. Not outgoing calls, you understand, INCOMING calls. How the fuck are you going to dispute an incoming call? It is beyond your control, if some calls you, they fucking call you. His response was that his phone was turned off. Really? Well, if that is the case, Professor Going to Hell For Lying, then why can I see that the call was deposited in to your voicemail when you didn't answer it? You see, because if the phone was off, it would not have hit your phone at all, and went immediately to voicemail. Response? "No." You're right, what the fuck do we know? I mean, we have all these SIM cards attached to accounts and we can track calls from what towers and swtiches they go through and even see if they were UMA (wifi), durations, times, the serial numbers of the phones used, but why in the fuck would we be in a position to tell if your motherfucking phone was on?! I am going to try this shit with my rental office. "Yeah, uh, I wasn't home." "Well it really doesn't matter if you were home or not, you still have to pay rent." "Uh, no. My lease doesn't say that I have to pay it if I am out." "Yes, but it does not say that you have to pay it if you are home, either, but you understand that you being home is irrelevant, you are paying to be able to occupy the dwelling." "Yeah, uh, no. Gimme your supervisor. I know the law. I am done practicing law for the day, is why I am here now, and not out practicing it. But I know the law."
Monday, January 04, 2010
Courtesy Foot In Your Ass
Folks, when you call and ask to speak to me, I will need you to follow a rule: Courtesy credits are not insulting. And while we are on the subject, they are not negotiable any further than, "Yes, I'll take it," or, "No I'll pay the whole bill." Now, I am not a complete dickhead, and if the story of your plight somehow swooned me into entertaining the idea of giving you a credit to offset valid charges, I will be fair about it. I would not offer you a $.01 courtesy credit on $500 of overages. But, keep something in mind: The charges are valid. Either take the offer and reduce your bill, or decline it for whatever your sick demented reason for not wanting a lower bill is. But, don't come at me with, "Well $100 is nothing! I want more!" First of all, if $100 is nothing to you, then chances are you could pay this bill no problem, and perhaps I should be asking you for a courtesy credit. Secondly, I will tell you what $100 is: $100 less than what you will have to pay, so fucking take it or leave it. My favorite though, is when I suggest payment arrangements for the rest of the overage that my courtesy credit did not cover, and I get something like, "I don't need arrangements, it's not about the money. I can pay the bill." Fucking really? Here's my new courtesy credit offer, then: $0.
What The Hell Is Going On