Two Girls and a Guy

Welcome to the Wonderful World of Magic

2010-01-05T21:52:00.001-07:00

The company I work for, does not practice magic. We don't have wands, we are not psychics, and I will be goddamned if I will be walking through the Great Wall of China. I say that to say this: If I am not a magician, then how else to you explain those charges on your bill? Let me elaborate.

Very often (98% of the time) a customer will ask for me to dispute a charge or charges on their bill. Most of that time, the defense is simply, I did not do it. Take for example the fella (I actually did not get to talk to him as he hung up before the transfer, I assume because he realized what a filthy fucking liar he was) that disputed incoming calls. Not outgoing calls, you understand, INCOMING calls. How the fuck are you going to dispute an incoming call? It is beyond your control, if some calls you, they fucking call you. His response was that his phone was turned off. Really? Well, if that is the case, Professor Going to Hell For Lying, then why can I see that the call was deposited in to your voicemail when you didn't answer it? You see, because if the phone was off, it would not have hit your phone at all, and went immediately to voicemail. Response? "No." You're right, what the fuck do we know? I mean, we have all these SIM cards attached to accounts and we can track calls from what towers and swtiches they go through and even see if they were UMA (wifi), durations, times, the serial numbers of the phones used, but why in the fuck would we be in a position to tell if your motherfucking phone was on?! I am going to try this shit with my rental office. "Yeah, uh, I wasn't home." "Well it really doesn't matter if you were home or not, you still have to pay rent." "Uh, no. My lease doesn't say that I have to pay it if I am out." "Yes, but it does not say that you have to pay it if you are home, either, but you understand that you being home is irrelevant, you are paying to be able to occupy the dwelling." "Yeah, uh, no. Gimme your supervisor. I know the law. I am done practicing law for the day, is why I am here now, and not out practicing it. But I know the law."

Courtesy Foot In Your Ass

2010-01-04T20:36:00.004-07:00

Folks, when you call and ask to speak to me, I will need you to follow a rule: Courtesy credits are not insulting. And while we are on the subject, they are not negotiable any further than, "Yes, I'll take it," or, "No I'll pay the whole bill." Now, I am not a complete dickhead, and if the story of your plight somehow swooned me into entertaining the idea of giving you a credit to offset valid charges, I will be fair about it. I would not offer you a $.01 courtesy credit on $500 of overages. But, keep something in mind: The charges are valid. Either take the offer and reduce your bill, or decline it for whatever your sick demented reason for not wanting a lower bill is. But, don't come at me with, "Well $100 is nothing! I want more!" First of all, if $100 is nothing to you, then chances are you could pay this bill no problem, and perhaps I should be asking you for a courtesy credit. Secondly, I will tell you what $100 is: $100 less than what you will have to pay, so fucking take it or leave it. My favorite though, is when I suggest payment arrangements for the rest of the overage that my courtesy credit did not cover, and I get something like, "I don't need arrangements, it's not about the money. I can pay the bill." Fucking really? Here's my new courtesy credit offer, then: $0.

High Bill = I Don't Have to Pay It

2009-12-30T22:03:00.003-07:00

A gentleman told me today that it was ridiculous that his bill was so high. It was outrageous, the overages displayed on the bill. He demanded that I do something about it. I will be happy to. May I have your credit card number so I can process a payment for you?

What I find ridiculous, sir, is your feeble attempt to shame me in to crediting your overages. Because there is nothing ridiculous about you going over your minutes, and us showing it to you. And your story of how it was my company's fault? Well, sir, I submit that your story is the most ridiculous thing I have ever fucking heard. This guy made a rate plan change 7 MONTHS AGO, and now blames the rep that suggested the rate plan to him for his overages, more than half a year later. So I obliged the customer and pulled the last 3 bills before the rate plan change. He had 3000 minutes for $139.99 per month for the first 2 lines and 9.99 each additional line (he had 3 more for a total of 5). Minute usage as follows: 1st bill-1500 mins. 2nd bill, 900 mins. 3rd and final bill before rate plan change-400 mins. So the rep made the SUGGESTION, and I captalize that word to draw attention to it so you can see that it is not the phrase "forced at gun point," to change to an 1800 minute rate plan, for $50 less than what he was paying. The customer agreed, which means, he knew how many minutes he had. Seems pretty simple to me, sir. You are the dickhead, not us.

You see, "I cannot pay my bill," does not mean the same as, "You credit these charges!" The latter will cause a significantly longer conversation than the former, and you will just leave the conversation upset. Pay your fucking bill. If you can't, utilize the phrase, "I cannot pay my bill," and let me make payment arrangements for you. Don't let me hate you and wish death upon you. Happy New Year!

Fuck You, Tosser!

2009-12-24T16:54:00.003-07:00

People are fucking assholes. At no point in a customer service conversation should the sentence, "I am speaking the Queen's English," ever be uttered. The first reason is, we don't speak the Queen's English here in America. We speak a bastardized version of it called "American." The 2 are hardly the same, you wanker. Second reason is, you are purposely being an asshole. That sentence is in no way conducive to a productive conversation. And I assure you, the three at a time cock smoking wench that said this to me, was indeed an asshole. She also asked me to verify if we were or if we were not in the United States of America, which sort of contradicts the Queen's English question. Please understand something from someone who works in the customer service industry: Being a fucking dick accomplishes nothing. I cannot tell you any better than that, even if I were to use the Queen's English. I am not saying that you can't be mad when something is wrong (which was not the case here; customer did not pay her bill and it was my fault, of course), but you don't have to try to be all clever and do a Don Rickles routine on me. Just tell me what the issue is, I will kiss your ass and fix it. Because believe me, if I was not at work, and you said that shit to me, I would rape your ears with the clever foul mouthed insults that I would hurl at you. Like a Jedi fucking Knight. Now go have yourself a merry Christmas, sausage wallet.

How Can You Smell That Over The Phone?

2009-12-21T20:52:00.003-07:00

A woman informed me that I would be giving her a free phone today. She was wrong.

This woman told me that she dropped her phone and cracked the screen. Not having insurance, she sucked it up, put some tape on it or something, and continued to use it. Later on, she started to experience some malfunction with it. Not that shocking. What I found shocking, however, is her demand for a free phone, stating that the phone was defective, and the malfunction that she was experiencing was not a result of the damage to the phone, but rather a manufacturing defect. She told me, as opposed to asking, to send her a new phone, free. Now I should have know that reasoning with this person was futile as a she was clearly out of her fucking mind for telling me such a story. However, I did in fact mention to her that her phone no longer has a warranty, what with the physical damage. The woman said that she knew that her dropping the phone had nothing to do with the issue she was experiencing and to "trust her." Lady, you're 100. Excuse me if I doubt your ability to run a full diagnostic on a piece of electronics. She actualy said to me, "YOU DON'T KNOW THAT IT IS BECAUSE I DROPPED IT!" Yes, but I do know that the only way your are going to get a new phone for free is through a warranty, and that phone doesn't fucking have one anymore. This woman actually escalated over me, and I was the 3 person she spoke to. Really? How many times do you have to hear a polite re-phrasing of "You are crazy, smelly vagina lady" before getting the message? Apparently a minimum of 4.

This Post Doesn't Come With Free Money

2009-12-14T21:15:00.004-07:00

When a customer tells me something is unacceptable, it makes me want to hurt their faces. How are you going to ask for a supervisor, explain to me a mistake that you made, demand a total credit of valid charges, and the when I say something like, "payment arrangements," then YOU tell ME that something is unacceptable? I bet your mouth will accept my fucking fist.

A customer tells me today that she went online and changed her rate plan. She also tells me that even though there were no indications, or promises or anything at all stating that unlimited messaging was included, she went ahead and assumed that it did, and now wants credit for valid text charges. Well, I think we all know what assuming does. It makes an ass out of you. Not me, just you. How fucking retarded is that? Then comes the bullshit logic. "Well it didn't say that it doesn't come with unlimited messaging." For real? What else does it not say that is not included? A trip to Hawaii? My cock in your mouth? Well, it's your lucky day because you are going to get one of those. Don't worry, you won't have to say Aloha. Your mouth will be full anyway. Lady, do you realize how much cyberspace it would take up to list everything a rate pan does not include? A fucking lot. That's why we do it the easy way and tell you what it is included with, and any thing else DOESN'T FUCKING COME WITH IT! And I like how people try that, like it's the first time I heard that. Yeah, you're a genius. Now pay me.

Gimme Da Money

2009-12-12T21:36:00.004-07:00

Brazen. Desparate. Balls the size of skyscrapers. I would use all of those to describe the gentleman who asked me for a $100 credit. We did make some billing errors and corrected those. But when the credits did not take off enough of his balance (you know, to make it $0), he comes up with this figure as an amount equal to an hour of his time. See after all his credits were applied for the erroneous charges, he asked for more charges to be removed, but they were valid. Of course, he was not interested in how I could prove that they were, at some point stating that he did not care what I said, rather just credit them. When I explained there was nothing left to credit, he got to what he was really asking for: "A credit for my inconvenience." I think inconvenience credits are bullshit. The first reason why I think they are is because I don't think there is such a thing. If we fuck up, we credit the errors. If you are without service, I will even credit you for that time, if it is our fault, be it data or voice service. But an inconvenience credit is you asking for a handout. Secondly, I can throw an arbitrary figure at you, you will find it insulting, I will ask you what you think is fair, you will throw some ridiculously high number at me, genreally the exact amount of your past due balance, I will hit mute and fucking laugh my ass off, then tell you that if don't find that appropriate and we will go back and forth like were are haggling over a used car, until you ask for my supervisor. This call was no different. This fucking clown asked me to give him $100 (oddly enough almost the exact amount of valid charges I refused to credit) for wasting an hour of his time (I assume he is a hooker, and this was an hour he could have spent going ass to mouth). I offered him $10. Now I arrived at this figure because his total monthly charges were less than $100. Now I worked out the math, and $10 is just under 3 times what he is paying per day, let alone an hour. However that isn't nearly as impressive as saying, "That is only 10% of what I asked for!" This guy was actually a much bigger asshole than I am making him out to be, making outrageous claims, like the one were I apprently told him I was never wrong. He also put time limits on being put on hold to find a supervisor that he asked to speak to. I had to leave 2 pages of notes in his account. My favorite part of the call: When he claimed that someone told him that he could send 1000 emails from his phone while travelling internationally without being charged.

My Fault, Your Fault...I'm Going to Yell

2009-12-08T20:33:00.003-07:00

A woman told me that if I did not do as I said I would do, she would go after my job. Guess what the problem was? She made a payment online, all by herself, and paid more than she wanted to, and left herself with no money. Guess who's fault it was? If you guessed hers, we are like minded, and I respect that. If you guessed my company's, you will suffer an excruciating death, just like this lady. Apparently, this woman also paid by check and when you do that, we have to wait 10 days for the payment to clear before a refund can be issued, unless you can fax over a running bank statement from the bank proving that the money cleared. If you are not sure why this is the policy, allow me to explain: woman pays by check, it posts immediately. She requests refund, we give it to her, then the bank declines the payment. We just gave her money that she never gave us. Simple, right? Well not if you are like this bitch. Apprently, only walking to her office and handing her cash would be fast enough. So she keeps calling and escalating and hanging up on people, she faxes over illegible insufficient documentation, only prolonging the process. Of course I was quite cordial, telling her that I was doing everything I could, blah blah blah, when I really wanted to scream at her, "YOU DID IT! IT IS YOUR FUCKING FAULT! NOT MINE, YOURS! THE NUMBERS ON YOUR KEYBOARD ARE CLEARLY MARKED! IT CAN"T GET ANY EASIER!" But, because I want to keep my job, I rolled along with the charade until I was done, and bored others to tears with the events of that call, just like I am with you right now.

Folks, I cannot stress this enough. I will take accountability for any error my company makes. With a smile. Hell, if you catch me on the right day perhaps even a song. But if you call me, and tell me that something that is obviously your fault, is my fault, and you get shitty about it, I will be nice to you on the phone, but I assure you, I curse you. I curse you so that your children will know what a pathetic piece of shit you are, and that they may feel it in their teeth. If you are cool with that, fine. Give me a call.

C U Next Tuesday!

2009-12-07T20:47:00.003-07:00

Today a woman informed me that she would start talking slower so that I could understand her. Lady, it is not that you are speaking too fast, it is that you are speaking cunt, and I don't speak that. Now, I RARELY use the "c" word, but that is what that lady was. This lady was patronizing the fuck out of me and asking for shit that does not exist. Puck, a fellow blogger, recently made a post about this very thing. Do not get pissy with me, when you want me to do something that is not possible. I am not a servant, nor a magician. We have what we have, and what we don't, you cannot have. I do not understand why people walk around under the impression that the earth revolves around them. It does not. It revolves around the sun, which provides light and heat. You, lady, provide nothing warranting an orbit from me. You did however warrant the "c" word, so congratulations on that.

Cocky Math Lesson

2009-12-05T20:38:00.002-07:00

People are cocks. Bossy cocks. I don't like being bossed around by cocks. Explain to me how it is rational to not pay your total bill EVER, even bounce a check and then call me and threaten to quit? I mean honestly, fuck it; take your bouncey bounce checks elsewhere for all I care. Maybe you will find a cell company that runs on dreams, good intentions and worthless pieces of paper with numbers scribbled on them. and do you think I am gonna cancel your fucking past due account and add another $700 in early termination fees that you won't pay? You sir, are a fucking dummy. And I tell you another thing, if you cut me off again to tell me that I am wrong, I will punch the fucking hair off your head. It is simple math: total balance minus nothing equals FUCKING NOTHING. NOT MY FAULT. BY AN ABACUS.

Saying Fuck = Gets Things Done

2009-12-02T21:04:00.002-07:00

Swearing is neato. The 4 of you that read this blog will undoubtedly pick up on the fact that I enjoy it. However, I do not believe that I have ever called a place of business that I was a customer of, and swore. I have fucking manners, is why. I bring this up, because a customer's last words to me today were, "Fuck you!" Hilarious? Sure. Did it make my day? Of course. Was it really necessary? No. I mean, and to hang up afterward is cowardly. Stay on the line, see what my response is. I can't swear back, so what might I say? Folks, swearing at a customer service rep or their supervisor accomplishes nothing. In fact, it may even close any openable door to you and cancel any negotiation possibilities. What bothers me about this, though, is that the customer presented her problem, and I presented multiple solutions. Now, she declined them all, obviously, because none of them involved her getting anything for free or me breaking a federal law. But the part that bothered me more than the swearing is the, "You are not trying to help me!" that she exclaimed right after I tried to help her. So, fearing dizziness from the endless circle we were involved in, I kind of closed the conversation manually (as opposed to of it's own volition) with, "So I have presented multiple solutions to your issue today, was there anything else that I could help you with?" Thusly came the, "Fuck you!" Or, wait...maybe it was, "Thank you."

Merry Christmas! Here's a Cell Phone Bill!

2009-12-01T23:20:00.003-07:00

I have to admit, while I despise lying, I kind of like talking to liars at work. Especially the really horrible ones that are clearly trying to fabricate some bizarre implausible scenario, right there on the phone to try and remove themselves from blame. Then there are some people that don't even try. They just say the dumbest shit. As per usual, I bring you real life examples:

* "I cancelled this account in 2003." While the obvious route would be to point out that she has been getting bills for 6 years, so how could she not know her account was still open, I chose to go with another piece of conflicting eveidence: The account was opened in 2005, and thus did not exist in 2003. Fucking dumbass.

* "Well, no one told me about the upgrade fee." "So you were not quoted $200 for the price of that phone?" "Yes I was." "Well that price includes the upgrade fee." "Uh...I wasn't told about the upgrade fee." "Well, again, sir, that $200 price point includes the upgrade fee, so if that is what you were quoted, you were advised of the total price, including the fee." "Uh...I was quoted $182, because there was no upgrade fee." Come on, dude, really? There are already words out there that I heard you say, you can't backtrack. You can't agree to something and then call back to fucking haggle about it. This isn't a car dealership, it is what it is, accept it or don't FUCKING BUY IT!

So this useless piece of garbage asks to speak to me because the rep she was talking to was intelligent and not buying her story, and she wanted to try it out on someone else. She has some overage of minutes (she has a bucket of 600) and text messages (she has a bucket of 1000). This lunatic actually says to me that she "assumed" her incoming calls her free, because no one told her that they were not. The bullshit logic. Immune to the bullshit logic tactic, I quickly said that we would not be crediting those, as none of our rate plans have free incoming minutes nor do we advertise that. Never brought up again. So here's the lie: "Yeah, I upgraded to unlimited messages, so I assumed I had that." Now rather than waste my time getting in to the samantics of assumed vs. knew, I told her that I was concerned (aw) that she requested a feature that she obviously did not have. So I asked when she requested it. "A while ago. I don't know." Sigh. "Can you approximate?" "Yeah, like December." "Well, ma'am, I see that you have had this 1000 messaging package since March, so that would mean if you requested it in December, you must have changed it in March. Let me check that." "Oh, no, yeah, I request unlimited in March, cause that is when I went to 600 minutes, right?" "Yes, ma'am." Now, I am abridging this conversation so as not to bore you anymore than you already are, but you should know that this woman is talking at great length, about her superb payment history and how she never calls in to complain. Oddly enough, there is a note on the account about her hanging up on a rep after being told charges were valid, and she has been suspended at least 3 times for non payment. So after some research, I find a note that clearly shows that she went from a 400 message package to 1000, based on her usage. I mean this note was superb. I looked at the prior 3 months worth of bill that predated that note, and sure enough, the one right beofre it, she went over the 400, but was still under 1000. The one before that, under 400. The one before that, under 400. So, switching to 1000 would be pretty logical. Armed with this knowledge, ready to end the call with a "no credits are due" speech, I get back on the phone, and let her have it. To my surprise (and by "to my surprise" I mean "as I expected") she is infuriated, and then claims that she is receiving poor customer service. As we all know, not crediting $800 of valid charges = shitty service. Now, I read this woman word for word what that rep's note said, and this douche pouch...this, bloated yeast ridden hosebag, committing to her lie, states that the note does not indicate that she agreed to the 1000 package. "Well, actually, ma'am it does." "No! It says that she added it, becasue she did! It does not say 'I spoke with customer and explained 1000 message package and customer agreed' because that is not what happened!" So what she would have me to believe is, despite the customer asking for unlimited, she purposely put 1000 on, and then to be consitent with her chicanery, documented it as such. Come on, lady you can do better than that. And to test that, I will lob this ball on to your side of the net: "What about the 8 months that have gone by where this feature has been on your bills and yet there has been no call to us to discuss the error?" I like to do that because it forces them to tell me the reason why so I don't have to say it for them and thus come across as rude: "Because I have not had any overages until now." EXACTLY. You asked for a feature, we gave it to you, and you have been using it fine for 8 months, and then one random month you go over because you can't fucking check your own usage, and now it is my fault. WRONG. I know it is hard to count to 1000, but we do it for you in various ways. Oh, but that would require work on your part, wouldn't it? And you're not down with that, are you? Despite the effort you are putting in to lying and yelling at me when I am merely doing my job. So, she threatened to quit, and when I called her bluff, she did not quit, and asked for my supervisor. After talking to him for 45 minutes, she still received no credits. Looks like she has a real entertaining story to tell her Christmas present-less family.

I Didn't Do It

2009-11-30T20:50:00.005-07:00

Now, I'm no judge, but I am pretty sure, "I did not," or, "No, you are wrong," on it's own, would not do much as a defense in court. You see, it is your requirement to prove to the judge or jury, that you in fact, did not. Just saying that doesn't make it untrue. Similarly, this also does not apply when disputing cell phone bill charges. Allow me to submit real life examples.

Customer has international roaming charges in China. Admits to going there during the dates that he was billed. Customer has a Chinese last name. Now I am not profiling, but come on. I am American, is it that hard to believe I might travel to Arkansas? Guess what he did not do? Use his phone. Now before I even get into looking at some of the individual calls, and checking the IMEI of the phone used and compare it against his, there is an even simpler method to validate calls. How did we know you were in China at all, if you did not use your phone? "I did not use it." "Yes, but you see my point right? You didn't make an announcement to the world that you were going to China on Larry King Live, so there's no possible way that-" "I did not use the phone." "But I can see that you dialed the other cell phone on your account, here, so it stands to reason that-" "I did not use the phone." "Well, motherfucker. The third time you said that, the charges disappeared. I apologize to you sir. Here is a free month of service for your troubles."

A woman is disputing charges on her son's line, for a 3rd party service. You I am sure have seen these ads on TV or even Facebook. You buy a ringtone for $3 and you are subscribed to their services for $9.99 a month. You also must agree to the terms, sometimes twice, depending on the company. Her defense, "He did not subscribe. Remove the charge." There are many things wrong with this. First, you cannot dispute someone else's actions. That kid does shit that you coudn't possibly imagine involving 14 inch black dildos, a burro, roughly 2 pounds of crack, and a retarded lady who can operate a video camera. You are not with him 24 hours a day. Subscribing to Personal Love Coach is the least of your worries. Secondly, you are disputing charges from another company with me. That's like me disputing the price of gas with Ford, because I drive an Explorer. Thirdly, if he didn't subscribe, THEN WHY IS IT ON THE BILL, YOU SMELLY, SMELLY WHORE? God, for fuck's sake, stop blaming me for your dumb kid's shit! If you stop breast feeding your kids until they are 9 and patting them on the crotch to get them to stop crying, maybe they wouldn't be introverts and have to seek the counsel of fucking robots preprogrammed to give them some pseudo sense of hope in their otherwise bleak, emotionally scarring existence. Let them have friends instead of $500 cell phones that they use to take pictures of their balls with. Get them a prepaid phone that they can use in an emergency. I mean, fuck, if they were out having a good time they wouldn't have to subscribe to these services. "He didn't do it." Fuck you. Fuck you, lady. He fucking did it. And he is fucking laughing and laughing at you right now, because you have no idea what he is going to do to you in your sleep tonight.

This Post Contains the Word "Cock"

2009-11-23T20:42:00.004-07:00

I have a pet peeve. Well, I have many, but here is the one I ran into today. Someone asks me a question, I answer, and then 4 words in to it, they start talking over me and telling me to stop talking over them. Oddly, this never seems to happen when I am telling a customer good news. Invariably, the second "no," or "I can't" comes out of my mouth, they scream like their face is melting off and tell me to stop talking over them, which then causes them to repeat the same shit they told me 4 times already, because clearly, unless my answer is "Yes master," I have not heard a word that they have said.

HERE'S THE DEAL.

I fucking heard you. Every ridiculous lie, each sentence that contradicts the previous, your whining, your crying, your other responsibilities that come before your cell phone bill and your actions that caused it to skyrocket. I HEAR ALL. Because you see, I am from the old school. I am of the opinion that if I am on the phone with someone, I am either listening or talking. So while I am silent when you are talking, guess what I am doing? Well, I am surely not imagining what your face looks like and rubbing one out at my desk. So, how about you not interrupting me for a change? How about you be a fucking adult, and not blame me for your idiocy? I mean, fuck, how do you even get both your head and your cell phone up your ass at the same time and run up your bill like that? And how is it my fault? Some person actually said to me that we must not care about her business because she went over her minutes. Lady, are you out of your fucking MIND? What does that even mean? Let me do that math:

fucking moron goes over minutes because she doesn't bother to check them in any of the various free methods offered to her + her being billed accordingly = I don't care and thusly she must threaten to get an attorney involved.

I don't agree with that equation. And really, the lawyer thing is a favorite of mine. Because what you are saying is, "The company you represent did nothing wrong. But because I suck cocks as a vocation, I will take everything that I don't like out on others, and today that is you. So I will hire a lawyer, which will cost 100 times my legitimate cell phone bill, to represent me in a case that has no merit and will never see the light of day, because, again, I suck cocks, and don't really know anything about law. Also, I choose to ignore the manditory binding agreement waiving any right to sue. Again, the cock sucking."

Re-reading this, I realize that I intended to mention only one pet peeve, but in fact, described a few. Sorry if that is your pet peeve.

And Now for Something Completely Different

2009-11-21T21:11:00.003-07:00

So, I figured I would post something different. I will post 10 random shitty movies that suck balls, that for some reason I saw in the theatre. In random order:

1. Police Academy 4: Citizens on Patrol. Actually, I know why I saw that one. I thought (and still think) David Spade was funny and there was skateboarding in the beginning, and Tony Hawk and Lance Mountain or some other real skaters were the stunt doubles.

2. Revenge of the Nerds II: Nerds in Paradise. I will be straight up; hoping for some titties. There were none.

3. Disorderlies. You remember the Fat Boys? They were rappers. Fat rappers. Hence the clever name. No? Prince Markie Dee? What the fuck? Well, they put a movie out where they were care takers of some old white guy. I am not sure if this was the origin of the old white man-young black men comedy device, or what, but fuck did that movie suck.

4. Masters of the Universe. For those of you who have fond memories of this movie as being good, go to Wal-Mart, take it out of the the $2 DVD bin and buy it and watch it again. It is fucking awful and blasphemous to the He-Man saga.

5. Breakin'. Fuck yeah! Turbo and Ozone! Rich white girl, poor Puerto Rican and Black guy. What do they have in common? They are in some shitty West Side Story Remake! Oh, and they can dance. See, everyone is equal! I used to breakdance, and I had a piece of cardboard to do bacskpins on. So naturally I would see this.

6. Breakin' 2: Electric Boogaloo. Why would I have not seen the second one? Did you know that both these movies were released in 1984? Is that even legal?

7. Caddyshack 2. Shameful. Not even Chevy Chase could save it. Now Johnathan Silverman was in it, and I feel if Andrew McCarthy was in it with him, they could have saved it (see next entry).

8. Weekends at Bernie's. Now if you know me really well, you know my feelings about this movie. I have some bizarre love affair with it. I am fully aware that it is one of the dumbest movies ever. Completely retarded, implausible and poorly acted by most of the cast. But Andrew McCarthy and Johnathan Silverman are some kind of sorcerers. They are so fucking good together that I have watched this movie easily over 100 times. I have the entire script memorized. I used to say it out loud to myself while walking to school to pass the time.

9. Back to the Future 3. I could tell a time machine joke about going back in time and not making the movie, but that would be just as bad as making a part 4 to this franchise.

10. Johnny Dangerously. This movie was a complete mess. Just really not funny. And it was really broad humor that went out of it's way to try to be funny, but it was not. It kept insisting to me that it was funny. No, sir. It was not.

Play Nice

2009-11-17T21:29:00.002-07:00

Here is something I do not recommend: getting me on the phone and then telling me what I will do for you. That will get you a swift kick in the fucking mouth. Especially if your request cannot be met and you blame my company for something that is completely your fault. You know that cautionary rule about not being rude to your server in a restaurant lest you want a pair of hairy, sweaty balls placed on your club sandwich for 2 minutes before arriving at your table? Well, think of your personal information and the internet in that same fashion. I do not advise that one pisses someone off that has your Social Security number. You will do this to wrong person one day who just does not give a fuck. Happy dialing!

"Dopeman, Dopeman, Yeah That's Me!"

2009-11-09T21:14:00.003-07:00

So, I had one rep talking to a customer who had a balance of over $1000. $800 of this is past due. I saw at least 2 bounced check payments and a negative payment history. He was demanding we credit completely valid charges, haggling with the rep like a fucking used car salesman. I have another rep, talking to a customer who has a $0 balance, demanding that we take a $19,000 payment from him because his bank says he owes us the money. This guy was funny; he went to our website and made a check payment for over $20,000 (which obvously was a mistake). He calls us 2 days later and is really mad at us saying it was our fault. He makes multiple requests for a refund which all get denied because we need bank documents proving the payment cleared his account which he refused to give us. Ultimately the payment backed out (we suspect because he disputed it with his bank) and we never received the funds. A month later (a few days ago) he made a payment for the actual amount due bringing him the the $0 balance. However, he claims that the bank retutned his $20,000 and then so did we putting over $40,000 back in his bank. So he is calling us, wanting to make a payment for what we gave him back. That makes absloutely no fucking sense. Why would 2 entities give you the same funds back? Only one of them would have it. And second, do you really think I would take another fucking $19,000 payment from you so we can go through this shit all over again? When we told him he did not owe us $19,000 and we would not take a payment for it, he asked how he had $40, 000 in his bank. I guess that's how it is in the dope game.

Stick Em With the Bill

2009-11-04T22:11:00.003-07:00

It is kind of hard to explain to a customer how their $1400 bill is accurate. Not hard, like I can't find the words. Hard, as in trying to get the customer to hear and underastand anything other than, "Of course I will waive over a thousand dollars of valid charges! That's just good business!" Now, admittedly, some jerk off did lead her to believe that it could be done, and I dealt with that internally. I don't have that kind of money to spend on a phone bill, but if I did that shit, I wouldn't expect a company just just fucking waive it. This person actually made payment arrangements on it at one point, meaning she accepted the fact that she is responsible for them. I guess she changed her mind. Not very handy for disputing the charges later.

Q. How much money did you credit her?

A. None, fucko.

Troubleshooting Flow

2009-11-03T21:45:00.003-07:00

Yes, it is frustrating. I get it. Sure, you can even vent to me for a minute. But let's be realitsic. If it were as simple as flipping a switch or pushing a button, do you really think I wouldn't just do that? I am not purposely interrupting your, and only your service. Hence the term outage. Hence the recorded message you ignored to get to me, saying verbatim what that message said. Hence the 3000 plus calls waiting in line. Don't stay with me on the phone asking the same questions over and over again. This will not make engineers work faster. Just let me kiss your ass for 2 minutes, then go beat your kids. Fuck.

Mail in Jackassery

2009-10-31T21:25:00.002-06:00

A man is on the phone with me. Actaully, he is on the phone yelling at me, upset that he did not get his mail in rebate. In order to qualify for a mail in rebate, on the form that you fill out and mail in, there is a list of things that you must do in order to qualify, mostly involving the addition of a data or messaging feature at a certain price point, depending on the model handset you purchase. Now this guy has already admitted twice that he did not read said form. However, he maintains that it is my company's fault, specifically the sales rep's, because it was not verbalized to him that he needed to add a feature. I explained that the form that he wrote on does explain this. His reply:

"Sir, do you really think all of America is literate?"

What in the fuck? First of all, who am I, USA Today? Secondly (and I told him this), if you could fill out the form, I assume you are literate, so that comment is not relevant. I explain to the gentleman that I would be glas to qualify him by adding the required feature for the specified amount of time. "I can't afford that!" Of course you can't. You just blew your income on a $300 phone, jackass.

C.A.V. Dance

2009-10-28T21:51:00.003-06:00

Announcement!

The following 2 sentences do not mean the same thing:

"I want to talk to your supervisor."

"I want to talk to someone who will do it for me."

The first one is pretty straighforward. "One moment, I will let you talk to my supervisor," would be the natural response. The second one, I feel is a trick. For you see, when someone says that to me, I usually respond with, "There is no one for you to speak with who will do that for you." This creates a brick wall; "What do you mean, there is no one? Are you the president, do you not have a supervisor?" Well, of course I do, dickhead, but that is not what you said. You see, my supervisor will not give you a $470 credit (actual request from someone today) either. But now, you will correct yourself and then ask for my supervisor properly, and then lie to him and tell him that at first I refused to let you speak to him. Then you will bitch about how my company is wasting your time., when in fact, you are taking the time to escalate over every fucking person who is telling you that the charges are valid and that you must pay your own bill. Go ahead and throw your 3 months of tenure around as well. Do the whole song and dance. I have never heard it before. You are the first person to be an asshole and try to get something for free. Here are 2 sentences that do mean the same thing:

"The charges are valid."

"The charges are valid."

Good Idea!

2009-10-26T20:23:00.002-06:00

It occurs to me that if you have to create a "war room" in which supervisory staff is required to go to periodically to discuss things that are going wrong with the new changes that were put in to effect, that you probably should have done further research. There is something unnerving about seeing an Outlook reminder pop up telling me to go there.

Take a Laxitive

2009-10-24T20:02:00.002-06:00

Every once in a while while on a call I find some funny notes written by other reps. For example, a long time ago, there was one that said, "Customer was acting a donkey..." which I assume the the "not get fired" way of saying they were an ass. Here is one I found today, and please note that it was written by a supervisor:

"I apologized for the customer's incontinence."

Now, I fortunately saw this during the transfer of the customer, so I was able to get all the laughing and comments out before I spoke to them. Now obviously my first instinct is to assume they meant to type "inconvenience." But that word was spelled correctly, and maybe the customer was experiencing blockage and felt like unburdening themselves. In that respect, I imagine that incontinence is inconvenient, and kudos for that supervisor for relating to the customer.

I Don't Wanna!

2009-10-21T21:40:00.002-06:00

I spoke to this woman today about her bill. Now, it is not unheard of for there to be a billing issue. However, in my experience, the legitimate billing issues are identified by the frontline reps. The "billing issues" that get brought to me via escalated customers, are 99% customer not wanting to pay for their own lunacy. As was the case with this woman. She had gone 1200+ minutes over what was in her plan. Needless to say this caused a bill that was several hundred dollars. I don't get the knee-jerk reaction of calling immediately to dsipute something you have not researched on your own. This one was quite simple and spelled out on her bill: you talk a fuckload. When the rep explained that in a more customer servicey way, the customer advised that the overage was in fact, due to her attempting to add a specific number to her (name of feature that involves unlimited calling to certain numbers), and it not going through; in fact there was an hourglass on her phone, for what I guess was the rest of the bill cycle. So I asked her if she called to report this issue (I ask the customer questions like that to get them to first lie to me, then upon hearing me tell them what actually happened, try to back out of it) and she said yes. This fucker hadn't called in 8 MONTHS. I mean not once. I told her that and she dodged the issue, and told me, not asked, but told me to give her a credit for the charges. I explained to her that I could not, and furthermore the absence of that number did not actually cause the overage, she still would have had over 800 minutes in overage. She also accepted a $50 credit as a courtesy adjustment, and was advised that she was responsible for the charges, prior to talking to me. Customer then does the obligatory "I am going to (insert any competitor her)!" I guess because she doesn't think I know that every fucking company charges for overages. I offer payment arrangements and she says, exactly the following, "I don't wanna." Really? That's your pitch? "I don't wanna?" I did't ask you to clean your room lady, I am trying to keep your service on.

Why can't people juxtapose themselves? Can she really not see the other side of that? Like if I ran in to the whorehouse she worked in, had $500 worth of sex with her, and then refused to pay? Does she really not see how that is absurd? I guess it is hard to see when you have a dick in your mouth and your face pressed against a hairy belly.

Halloween

2009-10-21T20:32:00.002-06:00

So Bryan and I discussed plans for Halloween this year and well, we are gonna be Sid and Nancy... I need a blonde wig.