Two Girls and a Guy

Following Instructions is for Chumps

2010-08-30T21:43:00.004-06:00

I would like to conduct an experiment. Take out your cell phone and dial your carrier's toll free or three digit phone number to reach Customer Care. During the automated message, pretend like you are having a technical issue with your phone and route yourself to tech support. If the automated system did not tell you that you must be off of your phone to perform troubleshooting, then pay no attention to the following rant. For you see, my company's automated system (and likely every other one on the planet) does tell you that. So it begs the question, why the fuck do so many lunatics call in on their cell phones, hear that, and still continue? It is especially awesome when I ask if they are on the phone, and they say no. Caller ID confirming that they in fact are worthless pieces of shit liars calling from the phone, I always immediately ask them to take the battery and SIM card out of their phone, to see if they will commit to the lie and get disconnected, or admit that they are on it. Usually they tell me that they are on the phone, and ironically hang up on my hopes that the call will drop. A similar situation I come across is when a customer tells me that they can make absolutely no outgoing calls, and again, the caller ID on my desk phone reads, "Don't trust the liar!" Once again, "Please take out the battery and the SIM card." "But if I do that, we will get disconnected." Sigh. Why would you call on the phone you are having problems with knowing we will be troubleshooting? Let's me apply this logic in another scenario. I take my car to a repair shop. They tell me that they will need to work on the engine and to leave the keys with them. I reply, "No, I am going to drive it around town. Work on the engine while I drive the car." I just don't understand why people can't just do what they are supposed to do. They are only wasting their own time. See, as much as I hate talking to you, it's my job and I have to. You on the other hand, are out there in the world, lowering property value and eating everything in sight. Don't you want to be as productive as possible on this phone call and get back to eradicating any shred of evidence that humans are a respectable species? Too bad there isn't tech support for your dumb fucking head.

Your Money's No Good Here

2010-07-29T20:15:00.002-06:00

If your account is past due, you are not allowed to upgrade your phone. The reason for this is a simple one. If you can afford a phone, you can afford to pay your bill first. And if you can't afford to pay your bill on time, you shouldn't be shopping for phones.

So a customer calls in today. Her account is past due, and has a payment arrangement set for tomorrow ready to come out of her bank account. It is not for the entire past due amount, however. Despite this, she wished to upgrade her phone today, but set the payment for that phone (we require payment first) to come out of her account tomorrow as well. First of all, I am not even going to get in to the system limitations involved in trying to set up a payment arrangement on top of payment arrangements for balances that don't even exist yet. Secondly, come on lady. I hope you don't have any kids because I am sure that they are starving right now, because you spend all your money on high end data phones that you refuse to add web features to, reducing your BlackBerry into nothing more than a Motorola RAZR.

What's the 411?

2010-07-20T08:55:00.003-06:00

"I know she didn't dial 411."

I have many issues with this statement. Let me first differentiate between "accident" and "did not." If someone states that the dialed directory assistance by accident, that is at least somewhat believable. Our phones usually come programmed with 411 in the contacts, often at the top of the list. I myself, having more than a few touch screen phones, have brought my contact list up unintentionally. An accidental dialing of 411 is easily diagnosed. Usually 1 minute. Multiple 1 minute calls in rapid succession. However, when someone claims that they, or in this case, the customer's daughter did not dial it at all, and furthermore, that they know for a fact that another party did not dial it, I find that a little harder to believe.

I guess my most immediate reaction would be to point out that if they did not make the calls, they would not be on the fucking bill, but that usually gets dismissed right away. People don't want to hear about the "physics" of how easily phone calls can be tracked on a mobile network. It's really fascinating. I wonder if they would apply this same defense in a murder trial. "I didn't kill him." "But someone saw you stab him, in your house, with your own kitchen knife." "No." Notice the absence of any proof to the contrary offered in this example. This always happens. I am expected to just take "no," or "I didn't do it," with no further explanation, I assume because they fancy themselves a deity of some sort, and one does not question a deity.

Another problem I have with this specific incident is that the customer is assuming the behavior of not only a 3rd party, but a teenager. Teenagers have the attention span of crack addicted ferrets. Is it impossible to believe that a teen could be hanging out with friends at the local drive in, or whatever the hell it is kids do today, decide to go somewhere and they need a phone number? You're right lady, that is the craziest shit I ever heard. Also, and I have said this before, you are not with that person 24 hours a day. The likelihood of them actually going to a drive in nowadays is slim. What you don't know that they are doing would frighten the shit out of you. Dialing 411 is the least of your worries. Why don't you go dispute charges with her drug dealer and see how that works out for you?

Someone used a great analogy. It's like going to the grocery store. The groceries got in your fridge somehow. There is a receipt for them. You are drinking the Pepsi that was bought. Now, I am not saying that you bought it, but someone did. You cannot go back to the grocery store and then say that no one bought it and demand money back. You fucking lunatic.

N Word, Please!

2010-07-09T18:32:00.003-06:00

One of my reps was called the "n" word today at work by a customer. I would say the word, but culturally, I have not been given permission to use it in public. I assure you, the word is not "nice lady," or "neat gal." I find this absurd for a number of reasons. The first and most obvious, is that the girl is not black, nor does she sound black. In fact, when she smiles in New England in February, she disappears. Second is, really? Really? In 2010? You are going to call a place of business and do that? What does that accomplish? If you think that the rep will get all offended and sad, and have to seek therapy, in this case, you are wrong. She was super excited and told the black rep sitting next to her as if to empathize with her people's suffering. Now at this point you might be assuming that the customer was just using the word as a generic insult. You might have been right, if the customer didn't also call her "homie" a few times in a sarcastic fashion. However, you did brighten my day, so, thank you douchebag!

The Courtesy is You Talking to Me That Way, and Not Having to Suck My Dick

2010-06-11T19:41:00.004-06:00

I hate courtesy credits. I feel like it is should be against the law for people to ask for them. Furthermore, the first person ever to suggest the idea of them should be drawn and quartered. If that person is dead, they should be reanimated, then drawn and quartered. Courtesy credits basically give license for any irresponsible jackass to do whatever the fuck they want, then call a company, throw their tenure around, and threaten to quit if the company doesn't credit a shit load of valid charges. I also find it ridiculous, nay, ludicrous, when words like "not fair," "unacceptable" and "Better Business Bureau" are mentioned. The other day, a customer had purposely paid all of their bill except the overage, and let it go past due. They then called Customer Care for a credit. Not to ask for one, but to GET the credit, that this dipshit convinced herself was deserved for no other reason than that no one in her real life will listen to a fucking word she says, so has to resort to bullying faceless Customer Care reps. The rep that she was speaking to, at my suggestion, and in attempt to retain the customer (which of course I understand is the important thing; but I also am not running a fucking charity), offered to credit half the charges as a courtesy. The customer balked at this and asked to speak to me. And while I am at this point of my story, can I tell you a secret? If you are talking to a Care rep, and ask for something that goes outside of policy, then that rep places you on hold and comes back with an offer, they asked a supervisor for advice. So you refusing and then asking to speak to a supervisor, isn't going to do anything more. In fact, if I personally am that supervisor, and you then refuse the offer I told the rep to make and ask to speak to me, you have just capped your courtesy credit offer, and I will not offer any more. Which is precisely what happened here. I spoke to her and was scolded, and given a speech in which I was described as having no customer service skills. First off lady, my customer service excellence is trademarked by my ability to listen to you drone on and on and hurl personal attacks at me just like your husband does to you, without ripping you fucking head off verbally. Not by the amount of money I hand out. Secondly, take ownership. If you you hadn't gone over your minutes while yelling at the Hershey company for making you fat, we wouldn't be talking to each other right now. I didn't make those calls, just like I didn't stuff that chocolate down your gaping neck hole. The customer actually refused the credit again, and said that she would call back, and I am sure she did, and some asshole probably credited the charges, thusly undermining me and making me look like I in fact did have poor customer service skills. You know, I get it. Customers are important. Without customers I would have no job. Allow me to show you the other side of that coin. I give away a shit load of money, I still have no job because the business goes bankrupt. How about I chose to make you pay for what you should have to pay for, and the business stays intact, and if you leave, someone else takes your place? Hm. I like that better than giving away free money that will eventually affect my paycheck and cause a company to go out of business and then there are no customers to serve.

"What's with this bill? I have the free plan."

2010-03-02T11:29:00.003-07:00

I have not updated in a while and for that I apologize. It has not been due to lack of material, I assure you. I have been busy with my other site, which you should check out and enjoy. Enough with the shameless self promotion, on with the swearing!

I heard possibly the dumbest shit yet while listening in with a rep. The customer was suspended for not paying his bill, which he said was "annoying." You know what else is annoying? Giving away free service. He said the following, "I am tired of you guys cutting my service of for being a month and a half past due. You are the only company that does this. It is so annoying, I had to get a prepaid phone with you guys just so I could have service." Wow. You are a dumb fuck. Money is money, and no money is no money. It doesn't matter if you pay for the service before or after you use it. If you don't have the money, you don't have the service. He had the balls to ask how much it would cost to cancel his service. More money, fucko, that's how much. And good job making it our fault that you don't have service. And speaking of money, I get real tired of hearing, "Why is my bill so high?" Seriously? That is the reason why you called customer service? I hate this for two reasons. 1. You have a bill. You can see for yourself why your bill is so high. You just want to argue with someone about it. 2. You fucking know why. You know what you did. I can't tell you how many times, people have bought a phone, sometimes 2, and "forget." Then when I remind them, they argue about it. "Well, I was told that I would get $300 off the phone," or "He said I would have to pay for until 6 months from now!" Come on, jackass, we read you a script when we sell you a phone. You are entering into a legal contract, of course we are going to read a script to you. I actually spent the better part of an hour, convincing this customer that he in fact bought a phone. I had to convince him, despite the fact that I could see the order, see that he a data plan specific for that phone, could see that he had used it and that HE WAS USING IT TO TALK TO ME. "Oh yeah, I bought that. Uh, I was told it would be free." Fuck you, dude.

I Know You Are But What Am I?

2010-02-04T22:39:00.002-07:00

A customer called me a cocksucker. That is rather presumptuous. How would he know if I suck cock?

You know, a conversation between an escalated customer and a supervisor is a funny thing. Just because someone escalates, doesn't mean that they are irate or a dickhead, sometimes they just want to speak to someone who they think can do something the first rep cannot. This customer actually started out really nice. Then without warning, much like tourettes syndrome, he up and called me a cocksucker. In fact, he up and did it at least 6 times. There were a couple of motherfuckers in there as well but cocksucker was the the comment that made me reflect a little on this call. I mean, most escalated calls are a negotiation of some sort. You have the customer wanting a specific solution, often times, not one that is possible, so the supervisor then haggles, throwing other offers out there. That being said, I wonder what made this guy think that calling me a cocksucker, and several times, would be a good negotiation tactic. Would that work, say, at a Sotheby's auction? Some guy bids $500, and then some other guy yells, "Ah, you COCKSUCKER!" "The Manet goes to the gentleman with the superb vocabulary."

This is the 450th Post on This Blog

2010-01-19T22:59:00.002-07:00

It's true, it really is.

Every time I take an escalated call and the bill is over $1000, I die a little on the inside. Because it doesn't matter how valid the charges are or what the circumstances are, the customer is enraged and absolutely not going to even entertain the thought of paying this bill. Here is a tip, folks, that will save you some time. If you don't want to pay your bill, you do not have to speak with a supervisor. You don't need my permission, throw that shit in the trash, I don't care. Now, rare is the occasion that I come across a bill this high and it actually is valid, but even rarer is the occasion when the customer admits to causing it. This customer has a wireless internet stick for laptops. This product has a data limit threshold, and if you exceed it, you get charged $.20 per MB. Now, admittedly, we should probably have some kind of system in place to stop someone from going over that threshold, and make it optional, in case someone wouldn't mind paying for the overage if they have to use more than the threshold allows. BUT WE DON'T. However, we do send you a nice message on your dashboard that warns you at least twice how much you have used, how much you have left, and that we will be charging you for the overage. We sent 3 to this customer. The customer admitted to getting 1 of them. However, they ignored it, stating, "Ah, I'll never go over." Well, that was real fucking dumb. $989 dumb. The customers actual dispute was that they could possibly have used that much data in that timeframe. I did my best to explain that we bill by measurement of data and not time, but it's kind of hard to come up with a convincing argument when you aren't allowed to speak more than 3 words. The conversation was not very productive and they ended the call, but they still have an $1100 bill.

Yeah, That's the Ticket

2010-01-18T19:37:00.003-07:00

After I listened to a woman lie to me for the better part of an hour, I informed her with a pleasant sugary coating, that she was a fucking liar and what she said happened, did not. She told me that we were not helping her, and when I told her that we did, she said, "No you did not! I have talked to 5 people and they all say the same thing. That I am wrong and they won't give me a credit." Gee, you seem to speak English, how is it that you cannot comprehend it? You see, lady, if you are getting the same answer no matter whom you talk to, whether they are Reps or Supervisors, the problem might be YOU. You see, getting what you want, does not equal helping you. It can, but not all the time. This is not one of those times. And stop telling me how much time you have spent on the phone and how many times you have told your incredibly engaging story. THIS IS YOUR FAULT. Believe me lady, I have been trying to get off the phone for quite some time now, but you insist on having me hear this ridiculous story that even Tommy Flanagan wouldn't believe. I also found it funny that she paid the charges, thus accepting the responsibilty, but called back later to dispute them. Sorry, lady, doesn't work that way.

Ye Olde House of Trickery

2010-01-17T00:18:00.002-07:00

Customers think that they are awfully clever. They come up with something all by themselves, and they freak out and try to trick me with it. Let me give you an example:

me: "Well, sir, since your phone is out of warranty, you can upgrade, or if you do not wish to extend your contract, you can pay retail for a new phone."

customer: "No, I upgrade all my phones at the same time. Can't you just, you know, send me a like new phone that is the same as this one, for free?"

me: "Well, sir that would be a warranty exchange. But as your phone is no longer covered under warranty, I can upgrade you, or if you prefer, you can buy a retail price."

customer: "Look, just send me a free phone with no contract."

me: "Sir, again, I cannot-"

customer: "Let me get your name."

me: "PBF."

customer: "So PBF, you are saying that you cannot do anything for me, right?"

Stop right there. No. I am not saying that. In fact, I mentioned a couple of options. But you are some crazy dickhead, and think that if you get my name, I will get all scared and shit, and start giving you inside secrets about the company and free shit so that you won't tell on me. Well, guess what shitbag, I've been doing this a long time, and while you have to bounce from carrier to carrier, because everyone gets tired of your shit and doesn't let you bully them around, I will be here providing service to the millions of other customers that actually understand how life works. Customers that don't need to be coddled to and have someone jerk them off whenever they want to feel good. So take that shit to Grasshopper Wireless or whoever. Kiss My Ass plan is only $29.99.

Principle is Expensive

2010-01-13T21:55:00.002-07:00

Telling me that you will not pay your bill is an empty threat. It also is a very poor negotiation tactic. As is threatening to cancel, and that one really just makes you look retarded if you are under contract. If you tell me that you will not pay your bill as retaliation because I will not credit valid charges means nothing. It actually is your right. You don't have to do a goddamn thing you don't want to, but don't expect to have cell phone service for much longer. And threatening to cancel is bullshit. So what you are saying is, because I would not credit $50 of valid overages, you are willing to cancel 3 lines that are under contract, which would be $600, on top of the $50 overages? That's gay, dude. Oh, wait. You're also not going to pay your bill? Ah, I see what you did there.

Your Money is No Good Here, Whore

2010-01-11T21:13:00.003-07:00

Apparently, I jerked this lady around tonight by not selling her a phone that we did not have in stock. So she is going to tell on me by emailing the C.E.O. Really lady? Let me examine this situation. You have gone through numerous reps before getting to me, who have all told you the same thing, that the phone is not in stock. We have all offered other phones for you in it's place, but you demand that it be sold to you at the other model's price. So you argue with every person you get on the phone with (and then complain to the about the amount of time you have spent on the phone). Really? Do you honestly think that we all have nothing better to do than to not sell you a phone, charge you a bunch of money, and lock you in to a 2 year agreement? Not only does that not make good business sense, but it doesn't make any logical sense, because the last thing I want to do is argue with your fucking ass all night.

Welcome to the Wonderful World of Magic

2010-01-05T21:52:00.001-07:00

The company I work for, does not practice magic. We don't have wands, we are not psychics, and I will be goddamned if I will be walking through the Great Wall of China. I say that to say this: If I am not a magician, then how else to you explain those charges on your bill? Let me elaborate.

Very often (98% of the time) a customer will ask for me to dispute a charge or charges on their bill. Most of that time, the defense is simply, I did not do it. Take for example the fella (I actually did not get to talk to him as he hung up before the transfer, I assume because he realized what a filthy fucking liar he was) that disputed incoming calls. Not outgoing calls, you understand, INCOMING calls. How the fuck are you going to dispute an incoming call? It is beyond your control, if some calls you, they fucking call you. His response was that his phone was turned off. Really? Well, if that is the case, Professor Going to Hell For Lying, then why can I see that the call was deposited in to your voicemail when you didn't answer it? You see, because if the phone was off, it would not have hit your phone at all, and went immediately to voicemail. Response? "No." You're right, what the fuck do we know? I mean, we have all these SIM cards attached to accounts and we can track calls from what towers and swtiches they go through and even see if they were UMA (wifi), durations, times, the serial numbers of the phones used, but why in the fuck would we be in a position to tell if your motherfucking phone was on?! I am going to try this shit with my rental office. "Yeah, uh, I wasn't home." "Well it really doesn't matter if you were home or not, you still have to pay rent." "Uh, no. My lease doesn't say that I have to pay it if I am out." "Yes, but it does not say that you have to pay it if you are home, either, but you understand that you being home is irrelevant, you are paying to be able to occupy the dwelling." "Yeah, uh, no. Gimme your supervisor. I know the law. I am done practicing law for the day, is why I am here now, and not out practicing it. But I know the law."

Courtesy Foot In Your Ass

2010-01-04T20:36:00.004-07:00

Folks, when you call and ask to speak to me, I will need you to follow a rule: Courtesy credits are not insulting. And while we are on the subject, they are not negotiable any further than, "Yes, I'll take it," or, "No I'll pay the whole bill." Now, I am not a complete dickhead, and if the story of your plight somehow swooned me into entertaining the idea of giving you a credit to offset valid charges, I will be fair about it. I would not offer you a $.01 courtesy credit on $500 of overages. But, keep something in mind: The charges are valid. Either take the offer and reduce your bill, or decline it for whatever your sick demented reason for not wanting a lower bill is. But, don't come at me with, "Well $100 is nothing! I want more!" First of all, if $100 is nothing to you, then chances are you could pay this bill no problem, and perhaps I should be asking you for a courtesy credit. Secondly, I will tell you what $100 is: $100 less than what you will have to pay, so fucking take it or leave it. My favorite though, is when I suggest payment arrangements for the rest of the overage that my courtesy credit did not cover, and I get something like, "I don't need arrangements, it's not about the money. I can pay the bill." Fucking really? Here's my new courtesy credit offer, then: $0.

High Bill = I Don't Have to Pay It

2009-12-30T22:03:00.003-07:00

A gentleman told me today that it was ridiculous that his bill was so high. It was outrageous, the overages displayed on the bill. He demanded that I do something about it. I will be happy to. May I have your credit card number so I can process a payment for you?

What I find ridiculous, sir, is your feeble attempt to shame me in to crediting your overages. Because there is nothing ridiculous about you going over your minutes, and us showing it to you. And your story of how it was my company's fault? Well, sir, I submit that your story is the most ridiculous thing I have ever fucking heard. This guy made a rate plan change 7 MONTHS AGO, and now blames the rep that suggested the rate plan to him for his overages, more than half a year later. So I obliged the customer and pulled the last 3 bills before the rate plan change. He had 3000 minutes for $139.99 per month for the first 2 lines and 9.99 each additional line (he had 3 more for a total of 5). Minute usage as follows: 1st bill-1500 mins. 2nd bill, 900 mins. 3rd and final bill before rate plan change-400 mins. So the rep made the SUGGESTION, and I captalize that word to draw attention to it so you can see that it is not the phrase "forced at gun point," to change to an 1800 minute rate plan, for $50 less than what he was paying. The customer agreed, which means, he knew how many minutes he had. Seems pretty simple to me, sir. You are the dickhead, not us.

You see, "I cannot pay my bill," does not mean the same as, "You credit these charges!" The latter will cause a significantly longer conversation than the former, and you will just leave the conversation upset. Pay your fucking bill. If you can't, utilize the phrase, "I cannot pay my bill," and let me make payment arrangements for you. Don't let me hate you and wish death upon you. Happy New Year!

Fuck You, Tosser!

2009-12-24T16:54:00.003-07:00

People are fucking assholes. At no point in a customer service conversation should the sentence, "I am speaking the Queen's English," ever be uttered. The first reason is, we don't speak the Queen's English here in America. We speak a bastardized version of it called "American." The 2 are hardly the same, you wanker. Second reason is, you are purposely being an asshole. That sentence is in no way conducive to a productive conversation. And I assure you, the three at a time cock smoking wench that said this to me, was indeed an asshole. She also asked me to verify if we were or if we were not in the United States of America, which sort of contradicts the Queen's English question. Please understand something from someone who works in the customer service industry: Being a fucking dick accomplishes nothing. I cannot tell you any better than that, even if I were to use the Queen's English. I am not saying that you can't be mad when something is wrong (which was not the case here; customer did not pay her bill and it was my fault, of course), but you don't have to try to be all clever and do a Don Rickles routine on me. Just tell me what the issue is, I will kiss your ass and fix it. Because believe me, if I was not at work, and you said that shit to me, I would rape your ears with the clever foul mouthed insults that I would hurl at you. Like a Jedi fucking Knight. Now go have yourself a merry Christmas, sausage wallet.

How Can You Smell That Over The Phone?

2009-12-21T20:52:00.003-07:00

A woman informed me that I would be giving her a free phone today. She was wrong.

This woman told me that she dropped her phone and cracked the screen. Not having insurance, she sucked it up, put some tape on it or something, and continued to use it. Later on, she started to experience some malfunction with it. Not that shocking. What I found shocking, however, is her demand for a free phone, stating that the phone was defective, and the malfunction that she was experiencing was not a result of the damage to the phone, but rather a manufacturing defect. She told me, as opposed to asking, to send her a new phone, free. Now I should have know that reasoning with this person was futile as a she was clearly out of her fucking mind for telling me such a story. However, I did in fact mention to her that her phone no longer has a warranty, what with the physical damage. The woman said that she knew that her dropping the phone had nothing to do with the issue she was experiencing and to "trust her." Lady, you're 100. Excuse me if I doubt your ability to run a full diagnostic on a piece of electronics. She actualy said to me, "YOU DON'T KNOW THAT IT IS BECAUSE I DROPPED IT!" Yes, but I do know that the only way your are going to get a new phone for free is through a warranty, and that phone doesn't fucking have one anymore. This woman actually escalated over me, and I was the 3 person she spoke to. Really? How many times do you have to hear a polite re-phrasing of "You are crazy, smelly vagina lady" before getting the message? Apparently a minimum of 4.

This Post Doesn't Come With Free Money

2009-12-14T21:15:00.004-07:00

When a customer tells me something is unacceptable, it makes me want to hurt their faces. How are you going to ask for a supervisor, explain to me a mistake that you made, demand a total credit of valid charges, and the when I say something like, "payment arrangements," then YOU tell ME that something is unacceptable? I bet your mouth will accept my fucking fist.

A customer tells me today that she went online and changed her rate plan. She also tells me that even though there were no indications, or promises or anything at all stating that unlimited messaging was included, she went ahead and assumed that it did, and now wants credit for valid text charges. Well, I think we all know what assuming does. It makes an ass out of you. Not me, just you. How fucking retarded is that? Then comes the bullshit logic. "Well it didn't say that it doesn't come with unlimited messaging." For real? What else does it not say that is not included? A trip to Hawaii? My cock in your mouth? Well, it's your lucky day because you are going to get one of those. Don't worry, you won't have to say Aloha. Your mouth will be full anyway. Lady, do you realize how much cyberspace it would take up to list everything a rate pan does not include? A fucking lot. That's why we do it the easy way and tell you what it is included with, and any thing else DOESN'T FUCKING COME WITH IT! And I like how people try that, like it's the first time I heard that. Yeah, you're a genius. Now pay me.

Gimme Da Money

2009-12-12T21:36:00.004-07:00

Brazen. Desparate. Balls the size of skyscrapers. I would use all of those to describe the gentleman who asked me for a $100 credit. We did make some billing errors and corrected those. But when the credits did not take off enough of his balance (you know, to make it $0), he comes up with this figure as an amount equal to an hour of his time. See after all his credits were applied for the erroneous charges, he asked for more charges to be removed, but they were valid. Of course, he was not interested in how I could prove that they were, at some point stating that he did not care what I said, rather just credit them. When I explained there was nothing left to credit, he got to what he was really asking for: "A credit for my inconvenience." I think inconvenience credits are bullshit. The first reason why I think they are is because I don't think there is such a thing. If we fuck up, we credit the errors. If you are without service, I will even credit you for that time, if it is our fault, be it data or voice service. But an inconvenience credit is you asking for a handout. Secondly, I can throw an arbitrary figure at you, you will find it insulting, I will ask you what you think is fair, you will throw some ridiculously high number at me, genreally the exact amount of your past due balance, I will hit mute and fucking laugh my ass off, then tell you that if don't find that appropriate and we will go back and forth like were are haggling over a used car, until you ask for my supervisor. This call was no different. This fucking clown asked me to give him $100 (oddly enough almost the exact amount of valid charges I refused to credit) for wasting an hour of his time (I assume he is a hooker, and this was an hour he could have spent going ass to mouth). I offered him $10. Now I arrived at this figure because his total monthly charges were less than $100. Now I worked out the math, and $10 is just under 3 times what he is paying per day, let alone an hour. However that isn't nearly as impressive as saying, "That is only 10% of what I asked for!" This guy was actually a much bigger asshole than I am making him out to be, making outrageous claims, like the one were I apprently told him I was never wrong. He also put time limits on being put on hold to find a supervisor that he asked to speak to. I had to leave 2 pages of notes in his account. My favorite part of the call: When he claimed that someone told him that he could send 1000 emails from his phone while travelling internationally without being charged.

My Fault, Your Fault...I'm Going to Yell

2009-12-08T20:33:00.003-07:00

A woman told me that if I did not do as I said I would do, she would go after my job. Guess what the problem was? She made a payment online, all by herself, and paid more than she wanted to, and left herself with no money. Guess who's fault it was? If you guessed hers, we are like minded, and I respect that. If you guessed my company's, you will suffer an excruciating death, just like this lady. Apparently, this woman also paid by check and when you do that, we have to wait 10 days for the payment to clear before a refund can be issued, unless you can fax over a running bank statement from the bank proving that the money cleared. If you are not sure why this is the policy, allow me to explain: woman pays by check, it posts immediately. She requests refund, we give it to her, then the bank declines the payment. We just gave her money that she never gave us. Simple, right? Well not if you are like this bitch. Apprently, only walking to her office and handing her cash would be fast enough. So she keeps calling and escalating and hanging up on people, she faxes over illegible insufficient documentation, only prolonging the process. Of course I was quite cordial, telling her that I was doing everything I could, blah blah blah, when I really wanted to scream at her, "YOU DID IT! IT IS YOUR FUCKING FAULT! NOT MINE, YOURS! THE NUMBERS ON YOUR KEYBOARD ARE CLEARLY MARKED! IT CAN"T GET ANY EASIER!" But, because I want to keep my job, I rolled along with the charade until I was done, and bored others to tears with the events of that call, just like I am with you right now.

Folks, I cannot stress this enough. I will take accountability for any error my company makes. With a smile. Hell, if you catch me on the right day perhaps even a song. But if you call me, and tell me that something that is obviously your fault, is my fault, and you get shitty about it, I will be nice to you on the phone, but I assure you, I curse you. I curse you so that your children will know what a pathetic piece of shit you are, and that they may feel it in their teeth. If you are cool with that, fine. Give me a call.

C U Next Tuesday!

2009-12-07T20:47:00.003-07:00

Today a woman informed me that she would start talking slower so that I could understand her. Lady, it is not that you are speaking too fast, it is that you are speaking cunt, and I don't speak that. Now, I RARELY use the "c" word, but that is what that lady was. This lady was patronizing the fuck out of me and asking for shit that does not exist. Puck, a fellow blogger, recently made a post about this very thing. Do not get pissy with me, when you want me to do something that is not possible. I am not a servant, nor a magician. We have what we have, and what we don't, you cannot have. I do not understand why people walk around under the impression that the earth revolves around them. It does not. It revolves around the sun, which provides light and heat. You, lady, provide nothing warranting an orbit from me. You did however warrant the "c" word, so congratulations on that.

Cocky Math Lesson

2009-12-05T20:38:00.002-07:00

People are cocks. Bossy cocks. I don't like being bossed around by cocks. Explain to me how it is rational to not pay your total bill EVER, even bounce a check and then call me and threaten to quit? I mean honestly, fuck it; take your bouncey bounce checks elsewhere for all I care. Maybe you will find a cell company that runs on dreams, good intentions and worthless pieces of paper with numbers scribbled on them. and do you think I am gonna cancel your fucking past due account and add another $700 in early termination fees that you won't pay? You sir, are a fucking dummy. And I tell you another thing, if you cut me off again to tell me that I am wrong, I will punch the fucking hair off your head. It is simple math: total balance minus nothing equals FUCKING NOTHING. NOT MY FAULT. BY AN ABACUS.

Saying Fuck = Gets Things Done

2009-12-02T21:04:00.002-07:00

Swearing is neato. The 4 of you that read this blog will undoubtedly pick up on the fact that I enjoy it. However, I do not believe that I have ever called a place of business that I was a customer of, and swore. I have fucking manners, is why. I bring this up, because a customer's last words to me today were, "Fuck you!" Hilarious? Sure. Did it make my day? Of course. Was it really necessary? No. I mean, and to hang up afterward is cowardly. Stay on the line, see what my response is. I can't swear back, so what might I say? Folks, swearing at a customer service rep or their supervisor accomplishes nothing. In fact, it may even close any openable door to you and cancel any negotiation possibilities. What bothers me about this, though, is that the customer presented her problem, and I presented multiple solutions. Now, she declined them all, obviously, because none of them involved her getting anything for free or me breaking a federal law. But the part that bothered me more than the swearing is the, "You are not trying to help me!" that she exclaimed right after I tried to help her. So, fearing dizziness from the endless circle we were involved in, I kind of closed the conversation manually (as opposed to of it's own volition) with, "So I have presented multiple solutions to your issue today, was there anything else that I could help you with?" Thusly came the, "Fuck you!" Or, wait...maybe it was, "Thank you."

Merry Christmas! Here's a Cell Phone Bill!

2009-12-01T23:20:00.003-07:00

I have to admit, while I despise lying, I kind of like talking to liars at work. Especially the really horrible ones that are clearly trying to fabricate some bizarre implausible scenario, right there on the phone to try and remove themselves from blame. Then there are some people that don't even try. They just say the dumbest shit. As per usual, I bring you real life examples:

* "I cancelled this account in 2003." While the obvious route would be to point out that she has been getting bills for 6 years, so how could she not know her account was still open, I chose to go with another piece of conflicting eveidence: The account was opened in 2005, and thus did not exist in 2003. Fucking dumbass.

* "Well, no one told me about the upgrade fee." "So you were not quoted $200 for the price of that phone?" "Yes I was." "Well that price includes the upgrade fee." "Uh...I wasn't told about the upgrade fee." "Well, again, sir, that $200 price point includes the upgrade fee, so if that is what you were quoted, you were advised of the total price, including the fee." "Uh...I was quoted $182, because there was no upgrade fee." Come on, dude, really? There are already words out there that I heard you say, you can't backtrack. You can't agree to something and then call back to fucking haggle about it. This isn't a car dealership, it is what it is, accept it or don't FUCKING BUY IT!

So this useless piece of garbage asks to speak to me because the rep she was talking to was intelligent and not buying her story, and she wanted to try it out on someone else. She has some overage of minutes (she has a bucket of 600) and text messages (she has a bucket of 1000). This lunatic actually says to me that she "assumed" her incoming calls her free, because no one told her that they were not. The bullshit logic. Immune to the bullshit logic tactic, I quickly said that we would not be crediting those, as none of our rate plans have free incoming minutes nor do we advertise that. Never brought up again. So here's the lie: "Yeah, I upgraded to unlimited messages, so I assumed I had that." Now rather than waste my time getting in to the samantics of assumed vs. knew, I told her that I was concerned (aw) that she requested a feature that she obviously did not have. So I asked when she requested it. "A while ago. I don't know." Sigh. "Can you approximate?" "Yeah, like December." "Well, ma'am, I see that you have had this 1000 messaging package since March, so that would mean if you requested it in December, you must have changed it in March. Let me check that." "Oh, no, yeah, I request unlimited in March, cause that is when I went to 600 minutes, right?" "Yes, ma'am." Now, I am abridging this conversation so as not to bore you anymore than you already are, but you should know that this woman is talking at great length, about her superb payment history and how she never calls in to complain. Oddly enough, there is a note on the account about her hanging up on a rep after being told charges were valid, and she has been suspended at least 3 times for non payment. So after some research, I find a note that clearly shows that she went from a 400 message package to 1000, based on her usage. I mean this note was superb. I looked at the prior 3 months worth of bill that predated that note, and sure enough, the one right beofre it, she went over the 400, but was still under 1000. The one before that, under 400. The one before that, under 400. So, switching to 1000 would be pretty logical. Armed with this knowledge, ready to end the call with a "no credits are due" speech, I get back on the phone, and let her have it. To my surprise (and by "to my surprise" I mean "as I expected") she is infuriated, and then claims that she is receiving poor customer service. As we all know, not crediting $800 of valid charges = shitty service. Now, I read this woman word for word what that rep's note said, and this douche pouch...this, bloated yeast ridden hosebag, committing to her lie, states that the note does not indicate that she agreed to the 1000 package. "Well, actually, ma'am it does." "No! It says that she added it, becasue she did! It does not say 'I spoke with customer and explained 1000 message package and customer agreed' because that is not what happened!" So what she would have me to believe is, despite the customer asking for unlimited, she purposely put 1000 on, and then to be consitent with her chicanery, documented it as such. Come on, lady you can do better than that. And to test that, I will lob this ball on to your side of the net: "What about the 8 months that have gone by where this feature has been on your bills and yet there has been no call to us to discuss the error?" I like to do that because it forces them to tell me the reason why so I don't have to say it for them and thus come across as rude: "Because I have not had any overages until now." EXACTLY. You asked for a feature, we gave it to you, and you have been using it fine for 8 months, and then one random month you go over because you can't fucking check your own usage, and now it is my fault. WRONG. I know it is hard to count to 1000, but we do it for you in various ways. Oh, but that would require work on your part, wouldn't it? And you're not down with that, are you? Despite the effort you are putting in to lying and yelling at me when I am merely doing my job. So, she threatened to quit, and when I called her bluff, she did not quit, and asked for my supervisor. After talking to him for 45 minutes, she still received no credits. Looks like she has a real entertaining story to tell her Christmas present-less family.

I Didn't Do It

2009-11-30T20:50:00.005-07:00

Now, I'm no judge, but I am pretty sure, "I did not," or, "No, you are wrong," on it's own, would not do much as a defense in court. You see, it is your requirement to prove to the judge or jury, that you in fact, did not. Just saying that doesn't make it untrue. Similarly, this also does not apply when disputing cell phone bill charges. Allow me to submit real life examples.

Customer has international roaming charges in China. Admits to going there during the dates that he was billed. Customer has a Chinese last name. Now I am not profiling, but come on. I am American, is it that hard to believe I might travel to Arkansas? Guess what he did not do? Use his phone. Now before I even get into looking at some of the individual calls, and checking the IMEI of the phone used and compare it against his, there is an even simpler method to validate calls. How did we know you were in China at all, if you did not use your phone? "I did not use it." "Yes, but you see my point right? You didn't make an announcement to the world that you were going to China on Larry King Live, so there's no possible way that-" "I did not use the phone." "But I can see that you dialed the other cell phone on your account, here, so it stands to reason that-" "I did not use the phone." "Well, motherfucker. The third time you said that, the charges disappeared. I apologize to you sir. Here is a free month of service for your troubles."

A woman is disputing charges on her son's line, for a 3rd party service. You I am sure have seen these ads on TV or even Facebook. You buy a ringtone for $3 and you are subscribed to their services for $9.99 a month. You also must agree to the terms, sometimes twice, depending on the company. Her defense, "He did not subscribe. Remove the charge." There are many things wrong with this. First, you cannot dispute someone else's actions. That kid does shit that you coudn't possibly imagine involving 14 inch black dildos, a burro, roughly 2 pounds of crack, and a retarded lady who can operate a video camera. You are not with him 24 hours a day. Subscribing to Personal Love Coach is the least of your worries. Secondly, you are disputing charges from another company with me. That's like me disputing the price of gas with Ford, because I drive an Explorer. Thirdly, if he didn't subscribe, THEN WHY IS IT ON THE BILL, YOU SMELLY, SMELLY WHORE? God, for fuck's sake, stop blaming me for your dumb kid's shit! If you stop breast feeding your kids until they are 9 and patting them on the crotch to get them to stop crying, maybe they wouldn't be introverts and have to seek the counsel of fucking robots preprogrammed to give them some pseudo sense of hope in their otherwise bleak, emotionally scarring existence. Let them have friends instead of $500 cell phones that they use to take pictures of their balls with. Get them a prepaid phone that they can use in an emergency. I mean, fuck, if they were out having a good time they wouldn't have to subscribe to these services. "He didn't do it." Fuck you. Fuck you, lady. He fucking did it. And he is fucking laughing and laughing at you right now, because you have no idea what he is going to do to you in your sleep tonight.

This Post Contains the Word "Cock"

2009-11-23T20:42:00.004-07:00

I have a pet peeve. Well, I have many, but here is the one I ran into today. Someone asks me a question, I answer, and then 4 words in to it, they start talking over me and telling me to stop talking over them. Oddly, this never seems to happen when I am telling a customer good news. Invariably, the second "no," or "I can't" comes out of my mouth, they scream like their face is melting off and tell me to stop talking over them, which then causes them to repeat the same shit they told me 4 times already, because clearly, unless my answer is "Yes master," I have not heard a word that they have said.

HERE'S THE DEAL.

I fucking heard you. Every ridiculous lie, each sentence that contradicts the previous, your whining, your crying, your other responsibilities that come before your cell phone bill and your actions that caused it to skyrocket. I HEAR ALL. Because you see, I am from the old school. I am of the opinion that if I am on the phone with someone, I am either listening or talking. So while I am silent when you are talking, guess what I am doing? Well, I am surely not imagining what your face looks like and rubbing one out at my desk. So, how about you not interrupting me for a change? How about you be a fucking adult, and not blame me for your idiocy? I mean, fuck, how do you even get both your head and your cell phone up your ass at the same time and run up your bill like that? And how is it my fault? Some person actually said to me that we must not care about her business because she went over her minutes. Lady, are you out of your fucking MIND? What does that even mean? Let me do that math:

fucking moron goes over minutes because she doesn't bother to check them in any of the various free methods offered to her + her being billed accordingly = I don't care and thusly she must threaten to get an attorney involved.

I don't agree with that equation. And really, the lawyer thing is a favorite of mine. Because what you are saying is, "The company you represent did nothing wrong. But because I suck cocks as a vocation, I will take everything that I don't like out on others, and today that is you. So I will hire a lawyer, which will cost 100 times my legitimate cell phone bill, to represent me in a case that has no merit and will never see the light of day, because, again, I suck cocks, and don't really know anything about law. Also, I choose to ignore the manditory binding agreement waiving any right to sue. Again, the cock sucking."

Re-reading this, I realize that I intended to mention only one pet peeve, but in fact, described a few. Sorry if that is your pet peeve.

And Now for Something Completely Different

2009-11-21T21:11:00.003-07:00

So, I figured I would post something different. I will post 10 random shitty movies that suck balls, that for some reason I saw in the theatre. In random order:

1. Police Academy 4: Citizens on Patrol. Actually, I know why I saw that one. I thought (and still think) David Spade was funny and there was skateboarding in the beginning, and Tony Hawk and Lance Mountain or some other real skaters were the stunt doubles.

2. Revenge of the Nerds II: Nerds in Paradise. I will be straight up; hoping for some titties. There were none.

3. Disorderlies. You remember the Fat Boys? They were rappers. Fat rappers. Hence the clever name. No? Prince Markie Dee? What the fuck? Well, they put a movie out where they were care takers of some old white guy. I am not sure if this was the origin of the old white man-young black men comedy device, or what, but fuck did that movie suck.

4. Masters of the Universe. For those of you who have fond memories of this movie as being good, go to Wal-Mart, take it out of the the $2 DVD bin and buy it and watch it again. It is fucking awful and blasphemous to the He-Man saga.

5. Breakin'. Fuck yeah! Turbo and Ozone! Rich white girl, poor Puerto Rican and Black guy. What do they have in common? They are in some shitty West Side Story Remake! Oh, and they can dance. See, everyone is equal! I used to breakdance, and I had a piece of cardboard to do bacskpins on. So naturally I would see this.

6. Breakin' 2: Electric Boogaloo. Why would I have not seen the second one? Did you know that both these movies were released in 1984? Is that even legal?

7. Caddyshack 2. Shameful. Not even Chevy Chase could save it. Now Johnathan Silverman was in it, and I feel if Andrew McCarthy was in it with him, they could have saved it (see next entry).

8. Weekends at Bernie's. Now if you know me really well, you know my feelings about this movie. I have some bizarre love affair with it. I am fully aware that it is one of the dumbest movies ever. Completely retarded, implausible and poorly acted by most of the cast. But Andrew McCarthy and Johnathan Silverman are some kind of sorcerers. They are so fucking good together that I have watched this movie easily over 100 times. I have the entire script memorized. I used to say it out loud to myself while walking to school to pass the time.

9. Back to the Future 3. I could tell a time machine joke about going back in time and not making the movie, but that would be just as bad as making a part 4 to this franchise.

10. Johnny Dangerously. This movie was a complete mess. Just really not funny. And it was really broad humor that went out of it's way to try to be funny, but it was not. It kept insisting to me that it was funny. No, sir. It was not.

Play Nice

2009-11-17T21:29:00.002-07:00

Here is something I do not recommend: getting me on the phone and then telling me what I will do for you. That will get you a swift kick in the fucking mouth. Especially if your request cannot be met and you blame my company for something that is completely your fault. You know that cautionary rule about not being rude to your server in a restaurant lest you want a pair of hairy, sweaty balls placed on your club sandwich for 2 minutes before arriving at your table? Well, think of your personal information and the internet in that same fashion. I do not advise that one pisses someone off that has your Social Security number. You will do this to wrong person one day who just does not give a fuck. Happy dialing!

"Dopeman, Dopeman, Yeah That's Me!"

2009-11-09T21:14:00.003-07:00

So, I had one rep talking to a customer who had a balance of over $1000. $800 of this is past due. I saw at least 2 bounced check payments and a negative payment history. He was demanding we credit completely valid charges, haggling with the rep like a fucking used car salesman. I have another rep, talking to a customer who has a $0 balance, demanding that we take a $19,000 payment from him because his bank says he owes us the money. This guy was funny; he went to our website and made a check payment for over $20,000 (which obvously was a mistake). He calls us 2 days later and is really mad at us saying it was our fault. He makes multiple requests for a refund which all get denied because we need bank documents proving the payment cleared his account which he refused to give us. Ultimately the payment backed out (we suspect because he disputed it with his bank) and we never received the funds. A month later (a few days ago) he made a payment for the actual amount due bringing him the the $0 balance. However, he claims that the bank retutned his $20,000 and then so did we putting over $40,000 back in his bank. So he is calling us, wanting to make a payment for what we gave him back. That makes absloutely no fucking sense. Why would 2 entities give you the same funds back? Only one of them would have it. And second, do you really think I would take another fucking $19,000 payment from you so we can go through this shit all over again? When we told him he did not owe us $19,000 and we would not take a payment for it, he asked how he had $40, 000 in his bank. I guess that's how it is in the dope game.

Stick Em With the Bill

2009-11-04T22:11:00.003-07:00

It is kind of hard to explain to a customer how their $1400 bill is accurate. Not hard, like I can't find the words. Hard, as in trying to get the customer to hear and underastand anything other than, "Of course I will waive over a thousand dollars of valid charges! That's just good business!" Now, admittedly, some jerk off did lead her to believe that it could be done, and I dealt with that internally. I don't have that kind of money to spend on a phone bill, but if I did that shit, I wouldn't expect a company just just fucking waive it. This person actually made payment arrangements on it at one point, meaning she accepted the fact that she is responsible for them. I guess she changed her mind. Not very handy for disputing the charges later.

Q. How much money did you credit her?

A. None, fucko.

Troubleshooting Flow

2009-11-03T21:45:00.003-07:00

Yes, it is frustrating. I get it. Sure, you can even vent to me for a minute. But let's be realitsic. If it were as simple as flipping a switch or pushing a button, do you really think I wouldn't just do that? I am not purposely interrupting your, and only your service. Hence the term outage. Hence the recorded message you ignored to get to me, saying verbatim what that message said. Hence the 3000 plus calls waiting in line. Don't stay with me on the phone asking the same questions over and over again. This will not make engineers work faster. Just let me kiss your ass for 2 minutes, then go beat your kids. Fuck.

Mail in Jackassery

2009-10-31T21:25:00.002-06:00

A man is on the phone with me. Actaully, he is on the phone yelling at me, upset that he did not get his mail in rebate. In order to qualify for a mail in rebate, on the form that you fill out and mail in, there is a list of things that you must do in order to qualify, mostly involving the addition of a data or messaging feature at a certain price point, depending on the model handset you purchase. Now this guy has already admitted twice that he did not read said form. However, he maintains that it is my company's fault, specifically the sales rep's, because it was not verbalized to him that he needed to add a feature. I explained that the form that he wrote on does explain this. His reply:

"Sir, do you really think all of America is literate?"

What in the fuck? First of all, who am I, USA Today? Secondly (and I told him this), if you could fill out the form, I assume you are literate, so that comment is not relevant. I explain to the gentleman that I would be glas to qualify him by adding the required feature for the specified amount of time. "I can't afford that!" Of course you can't. You just blew your income on a $300 phone, jackass.

C.A.V. Dance

2009-10-28T21:51:00.003-06:00

Announcement!

The following 2 sentences do not mean the same thing:

"I want to talk to your supervisor."

"I want to talk to someone who will do it for me."

The first one is pretty straighforward. "One moment, I will let you talk to my supervisor," would be the natural response. The second one, I feel is a trick. For you see, when someone says that to me, I usually respond with, "There is no one for you to speak with who will do that for you." This creates a brick wall; "What do you mean, there is no one? Are you the president, do you not have a supervisor?" Well, of course I do, dickhead, but that is not what you said. You see, my supervisor will not give you a $470 credit (actual request from someone today) either. But now, you will correct yourself and then ask for my supervisor properly, and then lie to him and tell him that at first I refused to let you speak to him. Then you will bitch about how my company is wasting your time., when in fact, you are taking the time to escalate over every fucking person who is telling you that the charges are valid and that you must pay your own bill. Go ahead and throw your 3 months of tenure around as well. Do the whole song and dance. I have never heard it before. You are the first person to be an asshole and try to get something for free. Here are 2 sentences that do mean the same thing:

"The charges are valid."

"The charges are valid."

Good Idea!

2009-10-26T20:23:00.002-06:00

It occurs to me that if you have to create a "war room" in which supervisory staff is required to go to periodically to discuss things that are going wrong with the new changes that were put in to effect, that you probably should have done further research. There is something unnerving about seeing an Outlook reminder pop up telling me to go there.

Take a Laxitive

2009-10-24T20:02:00.002-06:00

Every once in a while while on a call I find some funny notes written by other reps. For example, a long time ago, there was one that said, "Customer was acting a donkey..." which I assume the the "not get fired" way of saying they were an ass. Here is one I found today, and please note that it was written by a supervisor:

"I apologized for the customer's incontinence."

Now, I fortunately saw this during the transfer of the customer, so I was able to get all the laughing and comments out before I spoke to them. Now obviously my first instinct is to assume they meant to type "inconvenience." But that word was spelled correctly, and maybe the customer was experiencing blockage and felt like unburdening themselves. In that respect, I imagine that incontinence is inconvenient, and kudos for that supervisor for relating to the customer.

I Don't Wanna!

2009-10-21T21:40:00.002-06:00

I spoke to this woman today about her bill. Now, it is not unheard of for there to be a billing issue. However, in my experience, the legitimate billing issues are identified by the frontline reps. The "billing issues" that get brought to me via escalated customers, are 99% customer not wanting to pay for their own lunacy. As was the case with this woman. She had gone 1200+ minutes over what was in her plan. Needless to say this caused a bill that was several hundred dollars. I don't get the knee-jerk reaction of calling immediately to dsipute something you have not researched on your own. This one was quite simple and spelled out on her bill: you talk a fuckload. When the rep explained that in a more customer servicey way, the customer advised that the overage was in fact, due to her attempting to add a specific number to her (name of feature that involves unlimited calling to certain numbers), and it not going through; in fact there was an hourglass on her phone, for what I guess was the rest of the bill cycle. So I asked her if she called to report this issue (I ask the customer questions like that to get them to first lie to me, then upon hearing me tell them what actually happened, try to back out of it) and she said yes. This fucker hadn't called in 8 MONTHS. I mean not once. I told her that and she dodged the issue, and told me, not asked, but told me to give her a credit for the charges. I explained to her that I could not, and furthermore the absence of that number did not actually cause the overage, she still would have had over 800 minutes in overage. She also accepted a $50 credit as a courtesy adjustment, and was advised that she was responsible for the charges, prior to talking to me. Customer then does the obligatory "I am going to (insert any competitor her)!" I guess because she doesn't think I know that every fucking company charges for overages. I offer payment arrangements and she says, exactly the following, "I don't wanna." Really? That's your pitch? "I don't wanna?" I did't ask you to clean your room lady, I am trying to keep your service on.

Why can't people juxtapose themselves? Can she really not see the other side of that? Like if I ran in to the whorehouse she worked in, had $500 worth of sex with her, and then refused to pay? Does she really not see how that is absurd? I guess it is hard to see when you have a dick in your mouth and your face pressed against a hairy belly.

Halloween

2009-10-21T20:32:00.002-06:00

So Bryan and I discussed plans for Halloween this year and well, we are gonna be Sid and Nancy... I need a blonde wig.

Gobble, Gobble, Mother Fucker

2009-10-20T21:39:00.002-06:00

I took an escalated call from a customer who referred to the rep that transferred her to me as a turkey. She then begged my pardon for such language. Happy Thanksgiving, everyone.

Uh...

2009-10-20T20:27:00.001-06:00

...so is this what is was like when I didn't post for 3 years?

"Thank You, Come Again!

2009-10-19T13:57:00.002-06:00

So a customer told me today that he did not understand me because he does not speak my language. Confused, as we had both been speakig English the entire time, I asked him to clarify. He said, that he does not speak Indian. I assured him that I was from America, and that I had never even been out of the country and he actually told me that he didn't believe me. I mean, there isn't anything wrong with being Indian by any means, but really, dude? Really?

I should also mention that this guy was so Greek, he invented Ouzo, and I could barely understand a fucking word that came out of his Feta cheese eating face.* So, I found that comment a little incongruous.

*Not meant as a slight against the Greek. Just an illustration of the inappropriateness of the commnent. I love Greece. Yay Olympics.

Guh?

2009-10-14T21:10:00.002-06:00

So the guy on the phone says to me, "I didn't call Directory Assistance, and when I did, they gave me the wrong information." I realize that even out of context he comes off as stupid, but allow me to place it in to context, in order to illustrate just how stupid (or not interested in sounding credible) he really is.

Customer has some calls to Directory Assistance on his bill. $1.79 per call. The first thing he tells me in regard to them is, that he did call, but he was given the wrong information, and that he called back demanding a credit, which they must not have given him, what with his balance being so high (high meaning over the amount he is willing to pay no matter if he is to blame). I researched and found that he in fact did this, and did find the credits as promised. Upon telling him this, his story changed to, "I never called Directory Assistance." Well, then I guess I can debit your account for the what must be an erroneous credit. His story changed again to the above statement in the first paragraph. I explained to him that the statement contradicted itself, which in his language I can only assume means, "I am the one that stole your sister's virginity," because he was pissed. He did eventually let me explain how the sentence was contradictory, which caused him to change his story yet again, to, "I never said that I didn't call Directory Assistance." "But sir, you just told me that you did not call them." "No I didn't. So all the other Directory Assistance calls that I did not get credit for are wrong, because I didn't call them. So give me a credit." At that point, I started to do the heaving breathing thing that Robert Vaughan does in Baseketball. Ultimately, I explained that the same serial number of equipment was used on those calls as well as other calls he admitted to making, thus are valid. I would say nice try, but, no...no, it was fucking lousy.

Today's Cocksmoke

2009-10-13T20:42:00.005-06:00

So, basically the only calls I take are requests to speak to a supervisor, unless we are having some kind of crisis, like, uh...hm...just off the top of my head...a data outage on a really popular gay phone and it is really fucking busy. I have been a supervisor in many a job and it amazes me the lack of accountability that some people have. The sense of entitlement that they carry. They fuck up, or change their mind, and I am supposed to ignore all sense of policy and business practice and suck their dick. Or tit.

So fella calls today. In February, he agreed to 5 24 month agreements, 1 for each line that we gave him a free phone on. He goes through an automated system that explains that he will be entering in to this agreement on each line and there is a penalty for breaking it. For each line. It even asks for you to press 1 to accept and 3 to decline, still giving you an out. So this guy tells me that one of the users (of the 5 lines) is going to another carrier and he would like to cancel that line. When he is advised of the Early Termination Fee, he flips out. I mean he fucking freaks. First he actually admits to accepting the contracts, but it was because we offered free phones, and who wouldn't just say yes? Well, then I don't get the problem. He then says that it was illegal and misleading. The fuck you talking about, YOU agreed to it. He failed to explain what was illegal, but obviously he was trying to scare me into crediting the charge. He then stated that we never told him about it, to which I advised the automated system he went through did, to which he replied well it didn't say it was $200, to which again, I advised the automated system did. He then said that if I told him he agreed to the contracts electronically (and he said that word mockingly, exaggerating it like a ghost would say it), he would puke. His final plea was that it is just good customer relations. You know what, you're right. Let me waive the $200 so you can cancel. If you like I can also get you the unlock code for that free phone and use it at another carrier, saving you even more money! Hooray! He ended that call very unhappy.

This happens all the time. People go to fucking outer space, and use their phone all day and night, and then call in to demand that we waive the space roaming charges they incurred while talking on Mars. And they are angry about it. And don't mention payment arrangements. That implies that they are liable for the charges. "Well, your store told me I could use this phone in space! I have an interplanetary rate plan!" Right, well let me refer you to the store location on Neptune and you can dispute the charges there.

Ha, space roaming. That is funny.

Damn

2009-10-12T12:23:00.002-06:00

This is just how I am feeling today.. Enjoy

Stupid Humans

2009-10-10T22:02:00.002-06:00

So years ago when I had like 8 blogs, I worked at a call center and described the stupid humans that I would encounter on a daily basis on a blog cleverly titled, "Stupid Humans." You may remember this blog as being fucking hilarious and better than any other one on the planet, with this one being a possible exception. Well, guess what? I still work in a call center. Different company. Same fucking idiots! Well, not the exact same ones, but you get the idea. So I shall regale you with humorous stories once again. Here are today's highlights:

1. Gentleman did not understand that Mexico is in fact, another country, and not in the U.S. Thus, he should not be billed for dialing internationally. He further tried to illustrate this point by saying that where he lives in California, Mexico is closer than Hawaii, which does not cost anything to call, but is across the ocean. He also complained that he was given a Geography lesson rather than just having the charges waived like they were supposed to be. Then he employed the "bullshit logic" as I call it. "Well, I was never told that Mexico was not included in my plan..." That is the dumbest fucking excuse. I can use that anywhere to get anything. "Well, geez, no one told me that I would not get $500 cash in my cable bill each month, let me speak to your supervisor!" No one told that you COULD call Mexico either dipshit.

2. This was not done today, but I maintain that it is the dumbest, and yet funniest shit anyone has ever said to me on the phone. You ready? As I was going over a bill, a man interrupted me and uttered the following, "I'm not illegitimate. I can read." I am pretty sure I put him on hold and made an announcement to the call center that he had just said that. Oh, the ironing.

Dear Nay,

2009-10-09T08:51:00.002-06:00

I tried to go read your blog and it said I was not fucking invited! I find this very disturbing and think it is just plain ol bullshit! I would appreciate it if you would rectify this in a timely fucking manner.

Sincerely,
Robin

Balloon Fiaster

2009-10-08T23:15:00.003-06:00

Sooo tonight I am without kids, having wine and well. relaxing. Tomorrow we are going to the glodeo for the special shape balloons and I will be posting pics if something heinous doesn't happen to my camera, etc.. Weird day ya'll, been having some people come into my life that I didn't think I would ever hear from again.. What's up with that? One of them -well I won't go there lol. Peace out and all of that good stuff...

2009-10-08T22:19:00.001-06:00

Ray LaMontagne Videos | Music Video

Fuck Something

2009-10-08T11:35:00.003-06:00

I like saying the word Fuck, it commands attention.

So without posting what would be quite the literary dagwood describing the events of the last 3 years, I will tell you a story. I have been without a driver's license for the said 3 years and have been recently taking the neccessary steps to get it back. I get it. You fuck up, it is not supposed to be easy, and you pay your debt. However, it took me 4 fucking times to get signed up for the damn class (that I have taken before). The first time I went they were closed that day. The second time I went, I had a rainforest amount of trees in paperwork, however I was lacking 1 sepcific one. So I went to get that, and I immediately noticed that all the info on it was contained in the rainforest I previously brought in, but I guess if it ain't on 1 specific form, then what good is the info? So I go back for the 3rd time; CLOSED. Really? I mean honestly, can you smell me coming? So today, I went for the 4th time, ready to take hostages. I gave them my pillowcase full of money, filled out 11 forms and ta-da! All signed up. And with a bit of good news. They called DMV and were able to waive what would most assuredly been the most costly and difficult part of getting my license back.

Moral of story: Pillowcase full of money = gets things done

Signing

2009-10-07T23:08:00.000-06:00

Damn realtor talked me into buying a house. Must be this damn desert with all of it's greeen chile, pinon nuts, balloon fiasters, snowy mountains, weird folks, and of course green chile, wait did I say green chile more than once? I signed on a foreclosure TRAILER HOME of the DOUBLEWIDE kind this afternoon. Lots different than the cute historic home that I contracted with all summer long but with polyester curtains and a redwood deck. lol.. Robin welcome back you asshole, good to FINALLY hear from you lol.

I was wondering

2009-10-07T22:29:00.001-06:00

Are we still doing half nekkid Thursday?? I need to start working out!

arelbee

2009-10-07T20:45:00.001-06:00

I demand that Robin returns!

Since I Have Been Gone

2009-10-04T17:48:00.002-06:00

Well it's been a long time... I have come to find that some of my very favorite bloggers no longer have profiles at all. We all had a tight thing going for a long time and I will have to say that when I finished school, left the gridless home, found Crackspace, I abandoned my special outlet. Things have changed for me. The boys and I moved on and are renting a home on 5 acres, I work for a badass plastic surgeon in Albuquerque who's specialty is repair of cleft lip and palates. He does some pretty boobies, facelifts, blepharoplasties, and so forth as well. I call it boobies for babies because the money he gets for his cosmetics goes towards renting planes to fly all over and fix these cute kids. I rescued a damn mule and a mustang filly, and pretty much life is good with the exception of living on a water haul. I have also rescued a 1956 canned ham travel trailer that I am restoring. Her name is Gladys Belle. I found PBF when I was on today and although I have questions for him like where the hell have you been, was glad to know he's still out here. Oh for the love of blogging.

Ahem

2009-10-04T14:28:00.000-06:00

When can I start bitching?

PBF Returns!

2009-10-04T14:17:00.001-06:00

Wow and unbelievable... Welcome back Peanutbutterfilthy.

Open Fer Business

2009-10-04T13:01:00.001-06:00

Ok all.. Let's see where this goes. I am bringing the girl up from the dead and changing a few things. Where is everybody anyway????

Where Am I?

2009-07-29T14:00:00.000-06:00

Where indeed.

Helloooo

2008-01-06T17:41:00.000-07:00

Gawd it has been so damn long. Anybody out there?

2007-04-13T23:33:00.000-06:00

I think my problem has fixed itself. I logged in and it said something about opening a google account for me and blah blah blah. I guess I'll find out when I try to post this sucker!

Karlos...............Thanks for the offer but do you really think an uneducated backwoods hillbilly like me knows how to add you has a contributor???? HELLO!! Also, do not and I repeat DO NOT..........seriously, do not make me come to San Antonio...........just dont do it............really don't do it........I would hate to come to San Antonio sometime...wink wink!!! Are we understanding each other???

Also, thanks PBF's friends for the update. In case you did not read my response!! As I said something fishy has been going on with my blogger account.

WTF!

2007-02-25T03:25:00.000-07:00

Karlos how the hell do I comment on your page? What am I missing??

Why don't you guys stop being so lame and get a myspace! All the cool kids are doing it! Whistler and Sheila have a page also.

Someday soon........maybe...........I will post some new pics of the Stank. Yall have missed Christmas and his birthday!

BTW Karlos.............knee deep in Chorizo!!....... I must admint.....I do have a good man!....lol

R.I.P. Anna Nicole

2007-02-08T18:22:00.000-07:00

I am very saddened by this and yes I have always liked her. Maybe because she was a girl from TX and had the balls to make it big. She was silly, beautiful and had game, what's not to love? She also shared one word I use for ahem ...something... I think she stole it from me!

And one more thing!

2007-02-06T15:20:00.000-07:00

Why isn't our link to Karlos the impote oooooopppssss......I mean the omnipotent functioning??

Birthdays and crackhead blackbelts

2007-02-06T14:56:00.000-07:00

My Stank has turned the big 02. We had a party for him Friday evening and he had a blast. Spongebob was the theme we went with. Stank loves him and Sesame Street. I spent half a day decorating because I love to do things like that. I can't wait for him to get older so we can have Fiestas and shit!

This morning during my morning phone call to Jared (bf) he tells me this story:

This man walks into the construction site they are at. Asks the superintendent if they have any type of work he could do. The superintendent asks the guy if he had any skills. The crackhead tells the superintendent that he is a 5th degree blackbelt......(he now has everyone's attention).... and if he would like to see him in action. The crackhead begins to do roundhouse kicks and chopping at the air.........he even included the sound effects! Jared said the entire room was laughing their asses off. The superintendent explains to the guy that even though his Karate abilities were impressive there was no need for them in the world of construction. Seriously, what was he going to do??..... Karate kick nails into the wall or HIII YAAA the 2 x 4's.

PBF where are our pictures of that babe???

Happy New Year!

2006-12-31T14:33:00.000-07:00

I hope everyone has a great and safe New Year. We are going to have a party at Ronda's house with just family and a few friends. We are making tons of appetizers, have plenty of beer and of course champagne!

My baby finally made it in last night after a major delay because of the weather, but he is here so I am happy! He bought me a beautiful pearl necklace for Christmas (no smart remarks assholes) and tons of other stuff. What a sweetheart!

Anyway.......just wanted to let everyone know I am thinking of you and wish you well in 2007!!

In Sadness.. Rip Dumas

2006-12-14T18:24:00.000-07:00

So the neighbor's pitbulls finally came back to finish the job. They killed my Dumas last night and I am beside myself. Animal control came out this morning and CITED them again and told them we were pressing charges. Of course they said it wasn't "their" pitbulls. I suppose it was the other neighbor's poodles. The officer took pics but wasn't able to take the dogs until we went to court. I have called animal control for Bernalillo county 3 times since the first attack and they have record of going to the people's house, but no dogs out. It is like the dogs know when the catcher is coming, other than that, they are out all the time. Unfortunately we cannot be there to stand over our animals or our 10 acres 24-7 and shouldn't have to. I called the Attorney General today and the DA, all to no avail. I guess it will take a child getting killed before they do something.

Dear Santa (yes again)

2006-12-09T10:42:00.000-07:00

Dear Santa,

You must be surprised that I'm writing to you today, the 26th of December.

Well, I would very much like to clear up certain things that have occurred since the beginning of the month, when, filled with illusion, I wrote you my letter.

I asked for a bicycle, an electric train set, a pair of roller blades, and a football uniform.

I destroyed my brain studying the whole year. Not only was I the first in my class, but I had the best grades in the whole school. I'm not going to lie to you, there was no one in my entire neighborhood that behaved better than me, with my parents, my brothers, my friends, and with my neighbors. I would go on errands, and even help the elderly cross the street. There was virtually nothing within reach that I would not do for humanity.

What balls do you have leaving me a fucking yo-yo, a stupid whistle and a pair of socks. What the fuck were you thinking, you fat son of a bitch, that you've taken me for a sucker the whole fucking year to come out with some shit like this under the tree. As if you hadn't fucked me enough, you gave that little faggot across the street so many toys that he couldn't even walk into his house. Please don't let me see you trying to fit your big fat ass down my chimney next year. I'll fuck you up. I'll throw rocks at those stupid reindeer and scare them away so you'll have to walk back to the fucking North Pole, just like what I have to do now since you didn't get me that fucking bike.

FUCK YOU SANTA. Next year you'll find out how bad I can be, you FAT-SON-OF-A-BITCH.

Sincerely,
Little Johnny

Merry Christmas To Me

2006-12-03T13:03:00.000-07:00

Ha,
I have decided to be a shit this year and buy myself a saddle for my burros. Now, how damn selfish is this? I have needed an Australian saddle because the donkeys have a very narrow back and my regular western saddle won't suffice. A McLellan saddle (the old calvary ones) is the one that I really want, but Blue has a new habit of bucking me off now and I really need a saddle horn so I can hang on... I realize that this won't help me when he runs me under a tree branch, but I cannot have everything! My dear friend Gina has been hitting the trails with her new wonderful fiancee and I really feel left out. I am also thinking about buying a Belgium or Clydesdale mule by this summer, again being selfish, lol. This would be a big ass drafthorse crossed with a donkey.. No I have not been drinking!!

Stop Horse Slaughter!

2006-11-29T16:10:00.000-07:00

The chance to save America's horses is in the homestretch! The U.S. Senate will be back in session for only a few days, and we must ensure that it will take action on the American Horse Slaughter Prevention Act before adjourning for the year. Our next, and likely final, National Call-In Day for Horses is this Tuesday, Dec. 5. We must flood Senate offices with phone calls during this short window, urging them to cosponsor S. 1915 and get it to the senate floor for a vote. Mark your calendars now. Here's what you can do to help:

1. Tell your friends and family. With the help of concerned citizens like you, we had over 20,000 calls reach the House of Representatives before it passed this legislation in September. Help us reach the Senate with an even greater number of people by telling everyone you know to call their Senators on Dec. 5.

2. Make the call Dec. 5. Call your two current U.S. Senators—Pete Domenici at (202) 224-6621 and Jeff Bingaman at (202) 224-5521—or call the Congressional switchboard at (202) 224-3121. If you're not sure what to say, try this: "I am a constituent and I am calling to ask that the Senator immediately protect our horses from slaughter and cosponsor S. 1915, the American Horse Slaughter Prevention Act. I am very concerned about American horses and I don't want them slaughtered." 3. Let us know you called. On Tuesday, follow up your phone calls by letting us know you called to support the end of horse slaughter in the United States. Click here to help push the Call-In Day counter into the tens of thousands by letting us know you called. The time to act is here. We've been able to bring America's horses to the brink of permanent protection from slaughterhouse butchers, but we're not there yet. We must light up the phones in the Senate because our horses are counting on us. Nearly 100,000 horses are killed every year so that their meat can be eaten by foreign gourmands abroad, and they cannot afford to wait to see if another Congress will decide to save them. Your calls will not only make a difference, they will help make history. Help us end horse slaughter in the United States forever.

Sincerely,

Wayne Pacelle
President & CEO
The Humane Society of the United States

Holiday Cookie Recipe!

2006-11-28T23:07:00.000-07:00


	Here's a great Tequila Christmas Cookie recipe that I thought you might want to try this year: 1 cup of water 1 tsp. baking soda 1 cup of sugar 1 tsp. salt 1 cup of brown sugar lemon juice 4 large eggs 1 cup nuts 2 cups of dried fruit 1 bottle Jose Cuervo Tequilla Sample the Cuervo to check quality. Take a large bowl, check the Cuervo again, to be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink. Turn on the electric mixer...Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar...Beat again. At this point it's best to make sure the Cuervo is still OK, try another cup ... just in case. Turn off the mixerer thingy. Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit, Pick the frigging fruit off floor... Mix on the **. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers just pry it loose with a drewscriver. Sample the Cuervo to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift two cups of salt, or something. Who giveshz a sheet. Check the Jose Cuervo. Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find. Greash the oven. Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over. Don't forget to beat off the **. Finally, throw the bowl through the window, finish the Cose Juervo and make sure to put the stove in the dishwasher. CHERRY MISTMAS

Here's a great Tequila Christmas Cookie recipe that I thought you might want to try this year:

1 cup of water
1 tsp. baking soda
1 cup of sugar
1 tsp. salt
1 cup of brown sugar
lemon juice
4 large eggs
1 cup nuts
2 cups of dried fruit
1 bottle Jose Cuervo Tequilla

Sample the Cuervo to check quality.
Take a large bowl, check the Cuervo
again, to be sure it is of the highest
quality, pour one level cup and drink.

Turn on the electric mixer...Beat one
cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.

Add one teaspoon of sugar...Beat again.
At this point it's best to make sure the
Cuervo is still OK, try another cup ...
just in case.

Turn off the mixerer thingy. Break 2
leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in
the cup of dried fruit, Pick the
frigging fruit off floor... Mix on the
****. If the fried druit gets stuck
in the beaterers just pry it loose with
a drewscriver. Sample the Cuervo to
check for tonsisticity.

Next, sift two cups of salt, or
something. Who giveshz a sheet. Check
the Jose Cuervo. Now shift the lemon
juice and strain your nuts. Add one
table. Add a spoon of sugar, or
somefink. Whatever you can find. Greash
the oven.

Turn the cake tin 360 degrees
and try not to fall over. Don't forget
to beat off the ****. Finally, throw
the bowl through the window, finish the
Cose Juervo and make sure to put the stove in the dishwasher.

CHERRY MISTMAS

Merry Meet and Blessed Be!

2006-11-23T12:11:00.000-07:00

THE END* IS NIGH

2006-11-23T11:42:00.000-07:00

*of the pregnancy

Hello. I have returned. A lot has happened and I will spare the details for now due to the fact that I am at the folks' for Turkey Day. BUT. The baby will be here on or before 12/14/06. LMW cannot wait to hold the baby (well, neither can I, but I have not been lugging her around for 9 months).

HAPPY TURKEY DAY.

Holiday wishes!

2006-11-23T10:27:00.000-07:00

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!
I hope everyone has a great one!

Can you hear me now?

2006-11-21T22:58:00.000-07:00

Yes, you are seeing it right... this is a chocolate ear, lol!! The ear doc that we use sent us a big box of these for the holidays.. I wonder if the proctologist that we refer patients to has chocolate assholes?

New Wine

2006-11-20T20:17:00.000-07:00

Bought a new wine today, a merlot of course and it is about one of the tastiest wines I have ever had. It is Kumala of south Africa and it had a hint of fruit and mostly dry. It even surpasses the "Rooster" from Rex and Goliath. You know it's good if it has a lizard on it, lol. Today was just busy as hell and thought I deserved some hooch. I hope yall all get to avoid cooking Thanksgiving dinner as I did, AGAIN... I only have to make green bean casserole, a pumpkin pie and maybe some fucking pea salad!! Love yall....

Uni-pee

2006-11-17T23:42:00.000-07:00

Just thought I would share this photo with yall... It is the first floor men's restroom in the building where I work. The "fillies" bathroom is being repaired and the dexterous maintenance guys put this sign up!! I thought it was blog worthy!

WTH?

2006-11-15T20:21:00.000-07:00

Just to let yall know, I realized that after 3 months of my new lonely living, I have cable deluxe and didn't even know it!! I saw the fucking Jeffersons this evening, lol.... Well we're movin on up.. What a stupid ass I am for going this long without knowing I have this. Oh yeah what is wrong with the general population of men? Do they think we are just supposed to fall at their MF feet? Oh gawd... And why didn't yall tell me that I have big ass green warts all over my face? Or is it the chicken feet I wonder, something must be wrong with me because it is damn sure not my personality. Wankers, wankers I tell you!!

Stanks

2006-11-13T10:29:00.000-07:00

Yes, this IS two days in a row, imagine that... I have been thinking again, you know, miss analytical... Wouldn't it be something if you could extract pheromones from your body and send them somewhere? What if you spoke with someone so far away for months, possibly years and didn't know if you even were attracted to that person's stank? See, I am a firm believer in pheromones and think it plays a major part in the attraction of two species. Science confirms that you know. Perhaps this is why in long distance relationships one sends a sweaty t-shirt or even worse than that, dirty drawers? LOL. Strange request, but I am guilty. I would ask Robin if she sent her stanky drawers to Jared but he has made the trip down to see her already, apparently her stank is good because he is coming back for more! Lalalala, yall have a good day..

A post so Kimmie will shut the hell up!

2006-11-12T12:24:00.000-07:00

The Stink in his box house. That I made by hand.....lol!!!

His very scary Halloween costume!!

He loves his corn on the cob!

My new victim! His name is Jared. I am talking to him on the phone at this very moment and he wants me to correct myself..........He is my last and only victim.....lol Poor guy!

Howdy Friends

2006-11-12T10:46:00.000-07:00

I have been going through our blog, post by post, since the beginning and since lastnight. You see I am under scrutiny because a certain (very handsome) someone decided to ask me for our bloggy address and I gave it to him. You know, I laughed my ass off a bunch this morning already just reading some of the shit we all have shared with each other as well as teared up a little in reference to the sad stuff. I miss you all so damn much and I want yall back, I mean it dammit. Early's nutsack birthdays, Y's downright coolness, Mr. Alamo C.J.'s flirtatious compliments, Ney's rock and roll, the lost of very beloved pets, Robin's bad attitude, Sheila's sweetness, and PBF's baby. Can we just all start off where we stopped? No, I have not been drinking this morning already also..perhaps I'm sappy..

Ahem

2006-11-01T14:44:00.001-07:00

Where the hell are my partners in crime? I am just wondering if anyone has heard from them. One is a bubbly blonde that can stumble at a moments notice and the other is well, peanutty. Peace out---

Pitbulls Mauled My Donkeys

2006-10-14T12:10:00.000-06:00

So to share with yall and to spread the word about how dangerous pitbulls CAN be, these are pictures of my sweet donkeys that were attacked by my neighbors two pits last Sat morning, on our 10 acres mind you. These dogs are pretty much allowed to run free and after animal control cited them, I found out that our neighbor's dogs were severly mauled through their own fence when the pitbull owner received his FIRST citation. I am pissed. The motherfucking Bernalillo county animal control won't even pick up these dogs much less put them to sleep. We have tons of kids running around out here and I fear for the worst. This is a very rural place and these type of dogs don't belong here not to mention that there is a ordinance for Tijeras banning pitbulls period. Still nothing is being done. These dogs were out running around on Wednesday and I called the animal control only for them to get here and not see the dogs and this is after I went to the a.c. to throw a fit. The people that live at this residence only show up about every other few days and when they are there, there are tons of vehicles coming and going mainly between the hours of 12 midnight to 6 am, strange. Lew went over to their house after the incident happened to tell him what his dogs did and he yelled at Lew stating that "his dog's mouths had cuts on them" and what was he supposed to do, not even apologizing. Motherfucker. Thirty minutes after Lew left and the sheriff left, 4 vehicles and a moving van pulled up to the residence and they started loading shit into the van and cars very quickly, again, very strange. Blue has numerous holes and gapes and Dumas has a severed ear and numerous holes all over his face. I have a 410 shotgun around every corner and believe me it will be used, these dogs are not pets.

Ohhhh the memories!

2006-09-16T16:19:00.000-06:00

It seems like yesterday that Kim was 34 and a year later she is 35 and has a hangover from hell! She is growing up and becoming an old saggy bitchy woman! Losing her vehicle and drinking too many shots of Patron. What am I going to do with her? Long term care?? Sorry, I have been studying Gerontology.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY KIMMIE!!!

HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY SUCKY ASS KARLOS OR IS IT CARLOS......DEMENTIA IS SETTING IN WHEN YOU CANNOT REMEMBER HOW TO SPELL YOUR OWN NAME!

The good news is that people in their 90's are still having sex...................It's true...I learnt it!!!...lol

Newest Additions

2006-08-02T16:00:00.000-06:00

Ok I forgot to post this! Along with the snails and fish, we have two new additions to our family. We went hiking awhile back, ran across a stock pond that is usually dry and I picked up two new critters. Have you ever had bullfrog tadpoles?

Bean

2006-08-02T15:08:00.000-06:00

Nothing New!

2006-08-02T09:45:00.000-06:00

Hello all, it's your friendly slacker here hoping everyone is well! I think winter time will be good for the blogging biz as everyone will be home. Nothing crazy has happened to me lately, but RObin has a GREAT story for yall if she posts it! Jakey had a bad accident the other day when he catapulted off the trampoline and hit a tree, suffering major sratches. Bryan is back home from summer vacation and starting high school (which is very scary) he is also a little metalhead guitar player. I am still trying to figure out where i belong in this world.... My heart and thoughts always land me in TX!

Watch this!

2006-07-21T17:39:00.000-06:00

Hey everyone copy and paste this or click on link (if it works) so you can watch this video. It is so fucking funny!

http://www.albinosquirrel.com/LeapinLizards.mov

Yet another installment of the Stink!

2006-07-17T14:23:00.000-06:00

Here are a few pictures. We spent the week of the 4th in the mountains. Oh how I have fond memories of that vacation..........NOT .....The other pictures are from last week when I was taking Ayden swimming. For anyone wanting to put their hair in a mohawk.....I would like to recommend sunscreen. Your hair will NOT move!

He is playing peek-a-boo people! He is not ashamed of what his mama is doing to him!

Kim's graduation pic!

2006-07-16T22:07:00.000-06:00

The pic is a little blurry, but I had to share with everyone. BTW.........Jake is such a retard.......LMAO!

You go girl.........See I knew you weren't as dumb as people say!!....lol

2006-07-16T10:33:00.000-06:00

I just wanted to let everyone know that Kim graduated yesterday with honors......You go girl!

I am in the process of getting all my school shit together and trying to find an apartment. This whole thing has turned into a big pain in the ass, but I know it will be worth it in the end. Well, just wanted to let everyone know that I am alive. I hope you guys are doing good!

HAPPY 4TH!

2006-07-04T10:20:00.000-06:00

Burns Yer Ass!

2006-07-04T09:52:00.000-06:00

Happy 4th!

2006-07-03T07:36:00.000-06:00

All of my family is going to the mountains for the 4th. It has kinda became a tradition. A cousin that I have not seen in about 15 years is there so I am really excited to see his big dumb ass. Him and I were pretty tight when we were young. We have the scars to prove it...lol It is a good thing that we didn't get to see each other more than a couple of times a year. Almost every summer he stayed with us for a week or two because his mother wanted him to know what "farm life" was. So he got to drive a tractor a little and then we were off on the 4-wheelers to see how quickly we could hurt ourselves. Awwwww fun times!!! I will be back on Friday for German Fest................so calm down Kim. Anyway, I hope everyone has a happy and safe 4th. I don't want to come back and find out someone has blown themselves up. Y.....I am pretty much talking to you.......lol I better shut up..........

Poor Men

2006-06-28T19:46:00.000-06:00

Men strike back! ! ! ! ! ! !

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it
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Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
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Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows
Them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
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How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..."
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How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
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If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
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What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told.
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I married a Miss Right .!
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
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Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes
A woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
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Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
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Women will never be equal to men until they can
Walk down the street with a bald head and a beer
Gut, and still think they are sexy.
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In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

In My Opinion

2006-06-25T21:35:00.001-06:00

I have been doing some thinking and I came up with this...
Depression, which has plagued my family for years, has been on my mind. While working in a doctor's office I have noticed the tons of ppl that come in with this and I can't help but wonder what REALLY makes us depressed. Is it really a chemical imbalance? I am thinking, not always. If you want to judge me on what I am about to say then go ahead, I don't mind, it is just my way of thinking.
Let me begin by saying that I don't believe anyone can stay sexually attracted to one person their entire life. We are animals in my world and we as women are meant to look for the strongest, best possible mate, procreate, have the offspring, and then on to the next mighty beast (LOL). I commend the folks that stay with their mate their entire life, if they are really happy. I don't think it is possible. I have noticed that the majority of people I have observed are taking antidepressants, self medicating, pickeling themselves, or what have you.
When you meet someone new, the feeling arises, you know the one, butterflies swirling in your stomach, you can't eat , you are full of energy, and you are just plain happy. This being the time of nookie and such with your new mate. I know most people have felt this, I know I have and I miss it. Then maybe eventually are now pregnant (or not) and planning on spending the rest of your life with this person. Eventually, the new wears off, he or she starts farting on you, you grow more with age and then wham. One morning you feel like you just don't want to get out of bed and this progresses and eventually takes over your life. You go see the doctor if you have money or insurance or take care of business other ways if you don't care to see a doc then next thing you know, you are taking meds to counteract meds and such. Now I know this doesn't count for all types of depression, but to me it counts for alot. I don't know where I am going with this, I guess what I am trying to say is that if you are down in the dumps, go get some strange, LOL!

Nothing

2006-06-16T20:11:00.000-06:00

Right now I am taking a break from packing for a camping trip to the lake. Finally, after friggin' 7 years, I am going fishing dammit!! I coughed up the dough to buy a new tackle box, lures, a license, and a few Zebco 202's (my favorite)! I anticipate some sunburn, some hangover, and some good eggs and whatever meat I find for breakfast... Will send some pics of Elephant Butte!

Spongebob and crickets!

2006-06-14T17:05:00.000-06:00

My niece Lauren has a dog named Boudreaux. He is dumb dog. He had been sick so she took him to the vet. The vet did some x-rays and discovered that he had a blockage in his intestine. Well, they had to do emergency surgery. $620 dollars later Spongebob was successfully removed. Spongebob is such a prick.
The little square pants wearing sponge with the crazy eyes is now trying to kill off our pets.
So, beware!

Crickets I hate these little assholes. They are everywhere. I was walking down the hall today minding my own business. I spotted one.....I started my strategic manuever around the nasty creature. As we met... the little fucker started hopping around as did I. Then he was gone. I was screaming........bouncing from wall to wall. The bastard had jumped up my pant leg. After he was removed from my pants and my mother was staring at me like the big idiot that I looked like. I did that shake......you know the one.....when you have the willy's and went about my business. Die crickets Die!!

I am alive!

2006-06-13T14:44:00.000-06:00

HI EVERYONE!!!!!

All Dried Up

2006-06-09T04:36:00.000-06:00

I have been officially sober for 30 days. Not one drop. I do, however, eat all the time. I prefer that.

My Cowboy!

2006-06-07T17:32:00.000-06:00

The Bean rode his first calf this weekend and I was so proud of him. This pic is of the sheep he rode before the calf, this is in the gate before they turned him loose. I would post the video of the calf ride, but I was yellling loudly for him and it sounds horrible!! So life is very busy still, the doctor's office gig is sweet, and the money is good. I am still trying to decide where to go after graduation, it is hard being so damn fickle ya know. I do know that coder jobs in San Antonio are excellent pay... Till next time my friends!! Love you all...

Another Haircut

2006-06-03T21:41:00.000-06:00

One of the managers at work said that my hair was still a bit too long. So, LMW, my baby momma, cut it. I think it looks very nice. Like a model's haircut. What do you think?

"Carpe Deez Nuts!"

2006-05-28T04:46:00.000-06:00

So, being sober, I have a lot of spare time to kill. I have been watching a lot of DVD's. Here's the results of what I have seen lately.

Movies that suck:

Crash (2005)
A History of Violence
Coffee and Cigarrettes

Margianally watchable:

High Tension
Waiting
40 Year Old Virgin