|
Our House 
Two Girls and a Guy Contributors
Those We Love
The Old
The New
Consumers
|
Tuesday, January 19, 2010 This is the 450th Post on This Blog It's true, it really is. Every time I take an escalated call and the bill is over $1000, I die a little on the inside. Because it doesn't matter how valid the charges are or what the circumstances are, the customer is enraged and absolutely not going to even entertain the thought of paying this bill. Here is a tip, folks, that will save you some time. If you don't want to pay your bill, you do not have to speak with a supervisor. You don't need my permission, throw that shit in the trash, I don't care. Now, rare is the occasion that I come across a bill this high and it actually is valid, but even rarer is the occasion when the customer admits to causing it. This customer has a wireless internet stick for laptops. This product has a data limit threshold, and if you exceed it, you get charged $.20 per MB. Now, admittedly, we should probably have some kind of system in place to stop someone from going over that threshold, and make it optional, in case someone wouldn't mind paying for the overage if they have to use more than the threshold allows. BUT WE DON'T. However, we do send you a nice message on your dashboard that warns you at least twice how much you have used, how much you have left, and that we will be charging you for the overage. We sent 3 to this customer. The customer admitted to getting 1 of them. However, they ignored it, stating, "Ah, I'll never go over." Well, that was real fucking dumb. $989 dumb. The customers actual dispute was that they could possibly have used that much data in that timeframe. I did my best to explain that we bill by measurement of data and not time, but it's kind of hard to come up with a convincing argument when you aren't allowed to speak more than 3 words. The conversation was not very productive and they ended the call, but they still have an $1100 bill. 
Monday, January 18, 2010 Yeah, That's the Ticket After I listened to a woman lie to me for the better part of an hour, I informed her with a pleasant sugary coating, that she was a fucking liar and what she said happened, did not. She told me that we were not helping her, and when I told her that we did, she said, "No you did not! I have talked to 5 people and they all say the same thing. That I am wrong and they won't give me a credit." Gee, you seem to speak English, how is it that you cannot comprehend it? You see, lady, if you are getting the same answer no matter whom you talk to, whether they are Reps or Supervisors, the problem might be YOU. You see, getting what you want, does not equal helping you. It can, but not all the time. This is not one of those times. And stop telling me how much time you have spent on the phone and how many times you have told your incredibly engaging story. THIS IS YOUR FAULT. Believe me lady, I have been trying to get off the phone for quite some time now, but you insist on having me hear this ridiculous story that even Tommy Flanagan wouldn't believe. I also found it funny that she paid the charges, thus accepting the responsibilty, but called back later to dispute them. Sorry, lady, doesn't work that way.
Sunday, January 17, 2010 Ye Olde House of Trickery Customers think that they are awfully clever. They come up with something all by themselves, and they freak out and try to trick me with it. Let me give you an example: me: "Well, sir, since your phone is out of warranty, you can upgrade, or if you do not wish to extend your contract, you can pay retail for a new phone." customer: "No, I upgrade all my phones at the same time. Can't you just, you know, send me a like new phone that is the same as this one, for free?" me: "Well, sir that would be a warranty exchange. But as your phone is no longer covered under warranty, I can upgrade you, or if you prefer, you can buy a retail price." customer: "Look, just send me a free phone with no contract." me: "Sir, again, I cannot-" customer: "Let me get your name." me: "PBF." customer: "So PBF, you are saying that you cannot do anything for me, right?" Stop right there. No. I am not saying that. In fact, I mentioned a couple of options. But you are some crazy dickhead, and think that if you get my name, I will get all scared and shit, and start giving you inside secrets about the company and free shit so that you won't tell on me. Well, guess what shitbag, I've been doing this a long time, and while you have to bounce from carrier to carrier, because everyone gets tired of your shit and doesn't let you bully them around, I will be here providing service to the millions of other customers that actually understand how life works. Customers that don't need to be coddled to and have someone jerk them off whenever they want to feel good. So take that shit to Grasshopper Wireless or whoever. Kiss My Ass plan is only $29.99.
Wednesday, January 13, 2010 Principle is Expensive Telling me that you will not pay your bill is an empty threat. It also is a very poor negotiation tactic. As is threatening to cancel, and that one really just makes you look retarded if you are under contract. If you tell me that you will not pay your bill as retaliation because I will not credit valid charges means nothing. It actually is your right. You don't have to do a goddamn thing you don't want to, but don't expect to have cell phone service for much longer. And threatening to cancel is bullshit. So what you are saying is, because I would not credit $50 of valid overages, you are willing to cancel 3 lines that are under contract, which would be $600, on top of the $50 overages? That's gay, dude. Oh, wait. You're also not going to pay your bill? Ah, I see what you did there.
Monday, January 11, 2010 Your Money is No Good Here, Whore Apparently, I jerked this lady around tonight by not selling her a phone that we did not have in stock. So she is going to tell on me by emailing the C.E.O. Really lady? Let me examine this situation. You have gone through numerous reps before getting to me, who have all told you the same thing, that the phone is not in stock. We have all offered other phones for you in it's place, but you demand that it be sold to you at the other model's price. So you argue with every person you get on the phone with (and then complain to the about the amount of time you have spent on the phone). Really? Do you honestly think that we all have nothing better to do than to not sell you a phone, charge you a bunch of money, and lock you in to a 2 year agreement? Not only does that not make good business sense, but it doesn't make any logical sense, because the last thing I want to do is argue with your fucking ass all night.
Tuesday, January 05, 2010 Welcome to the Wonderful World of Magic The company I work for, does not practice magic. We don't have wands, we are not psychics, and I will be goddamned if I will be walking through the Great Wall of China. I say that to say this: If I am not a magician, then how else to you explain those charges on your bill? Let me elaborate. Very often (98% of the time) a customer will ask for me to dispute a charge or charges on their bill. Most of that time, the defense is simply, I did not do it. Take for example the fella (I actually did not get to talk to him as he hung up before the transfer, I assume because he realized what a filthy fucking liar he was) that disputed incoming calls. Not outgoing calls, you understand, INCOMING calls. How the fuck are you going to dispute an incoming call? It is beyond your control, if some calls you, they fucking call you. His response was that his phone was turned off. Really? Well, if that is the case, Professor Going to Hell For Lying, then why can I see that the call was deposited in to your voicemail when you didn't answer it? You see, because if the phone was off, it would not have hit your phone at all, and went immediately to voicemail. Response? "No." You're right, what the fuck do we know? I mean, we have all these SIM cards attached to accounts and we can track calls from what towers and swtiches they go through and even see if they were UMA (wifi), durations, times, the serial numbers of the phones used, but why in the fuck would we be in a position to tell if your motherfucking phone was on?! I am going to try this shit with my rental office. "Yeah, uh, I wasn't home." "Well it really doesn't matter if you were home or not, you still have to pay rent." "Uh, no. My lease doesn't say that I have to pay it if I am out." "Yes, but it does not say that you have to pay it if you are home, either, but you understand that you being home is irrelevant, you are paying to be able to occupy the dwelling." "Yeah, uh, no. Gimme your supervisor. I know the law. I am done practicing law for the day, is why I am here now, and not out practicing it. But I know the law."
Monday, January 04, 2010 Courtesy Foot In Your Ass Folks, when you call and ask to speak to me, I will need you to follow a rule: Courtesy credits are not insulting. And while we are on the subject, they are not negotiable any further than, "Yes, I'll take it," or, "No I'll pay the whole bill." Now, I am not a complete dickhead, and if the story of your plight somehow swooned me into entertaining the idea of giving you a credit to offset valid charges, I will be fair about it. I would not offer you a $.01 courtesy credit on $500 of overages. But, keep something in mind: The charges are valid. Either take the offer and reduce your bill, or decline it for whatever your sick demented reason for not wanting a lower bill is. But, don't come at me with, "Well $100 is nothing! I want more!" First of all, if $100 is nothing to you, then chances are you could pay this bill no problem, and perhaps I should be asking you for a courtesy credit. Secondly, I will tell you what $100 is: $100 less than what you will have to pay, so fucking take it or leave it. My favorite though, is when I suggest payment arrangements for the rest of the overage that my courtesy credit did not cover, and I get something like, "I don't need arrangements, it's not about the money. I can pay the bill." Fucking really? Here's my new courtesy credit offer, then: $0.
|
Good Places
What The Hell Is Going On
Snowstorms
The Funny
|
