Monday, November 30, 2009

I Didn't Do It

Now, I'm no judge, but I am pretty sure, "I did not," or, "No, you are wrong," on it's own, would not do much as a defense in court. You see, it is your requirement to prove to the judge or jury, that you in fact, did not. Just saying that doesn't make it untrue. Similarly, this also does not apply when disputing cell phone bill charges. Allow me to submit real life examples.

Customer has international roaming charges in China. Admits to going there during the dates that he was billed. Customer has a Chinese last name. Now I am not profiling, but come on. I am American, is it that hard to believe I might travel to Arkansas? Guess what he did not do? Use his phone. Now before I even get into looking at some of the individual calls, and checking the IMEI of the phone used and compare it against his, there is an even simpler method to validate calls. How did we know you were in China at all, if you did not use your phone? "I did not use it." "Yes, but you see my point right? You didn't make an announcement to the world that you were going to China on Larry King Live, so there's no possible way that-" "I did not use the phone." "But I can see that you dialed the other cell phone on your account, here, so it stands to reason that-" "I did not use the phone." "Well, motherfucker. The third time you said that, the charges disappeared. I apologize to you sir. Here is a free month of service for your troubles."

A woman is disputing charges on her son's line, for a 3rd party service. You I am sure have seen these ads on TV or even Facebook. You buy a ringtone for $3 and you are subscribed to their services for $9.99 a month. You also must agree to the terms, sometimes twice, depending on the company. Her defense, "He did not subscribe. Remove the charge." There are many things wrong with this. First, you cannot dispute someone else's actions. That kid does shit that you coudn't possibly imagine involving 14 inch black dildos, a burro, roughly 2 pounds of crack, and a retarded lady who can operate a video camera. You are not with him 24 hours a day. Subscribing to Personal Love Coach is the least of your worries. Secondly, you are disputing charges from another company with me. That's like me disputing the price of gas with Ford, because I drive an Explorer. Thirdly, if he didn't subscribe, THEN WHY IS IT ON THE BILL, YOU SMELLY, SMELLY WHORE? God, for fuck's sake, stop blaming me for your dumb kid's shit! If you stop breast feeding your kids until they are 9 and patting them on the crotch to get them to stop crying, maybe they wouldn't be introverts and have to seek the counsel of fucking robots preprogrammed to give them some pseudo sense of hope in their otherwise bleak, emotionally scarring existence. Let them have friends instead of $500 cell phones that they use to take pictures of their balls with. Get them a prepaid phone that they can use in an emergency. I mean, fuck, if they were out having a good time they wouldn't have to subscribe to these services. "He didn't do it." Fuck you. Fuck you, lady. He fucking did it. And he is fucking laughing and laughing at you right now, because you have no idea what he is going to do to you in your sleep tonight.

Posted by peanutbutterfilthy :: 8:50 PM :: 2 Comments:

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Monday, November 23, 2009

This Post Contains the Word "Cock"

I have a pet peeve. Well, I have many, but here is the one I ran into today. Someone asks me a question, I answer, and then 4 words in to it, they start talking over me and telling me to stop talking over them. Oddly, this never seems to happen when I am telling a customer good news. Invariably, the second "no," or "I can't" comes out of my mouth, they scream like their face is melting off and tell me to stop talking over them, which then causes them to repeat the same shit they told me 4 times already, because clearly, unless my answer is "Yes master," I have not heard a word that they have said.

HERE'S THE DEAL.

I fucking heard you. Every ridiculous lie, each sentence that contradicts the previous, your whining, your crying, your other responsibilities that come before your cell phone bill and your actions that caused it to skyrocket. I HEAR ALL. Because you see, I am from the old school. I am of the opinion that if I am on the phone with someone, I am either listening or talking. So while I am silent when you are talking, guess what I am doing? Well, I am surely not imagining what your face looks like and rubbing one out at my desk. So, how about you not interrupting me for a change? How about you be a fucking adult, and not blame me for your idiocy? I mean, fuck, how do you even get both your head and your cell phone up your ass at the same time and run up your bill like that? And how is it my fault? Some person actually said to me that we must not care about her business because she went over her minutes. Lady, are you out of your fucking MIND? What does that even mean? Let me do that math:

fucking moron goes over minutes because she doesn't bother to check them in any of the various free methods offered to her + her being billed accordingly = I don't care and thusly she must threaten to get an attorney involved.

I don't agree with that equation. And really, the lawyer thing is a favorite of mine. Because what you are saying is, "The company you represent did nothing wrong. But because I suck cocks as a vocation, I will take everything that I don't like out on others, and today that is you. So I will hire a lawyer, which will cost 100 times my legitimate cell phone bill, to represent me in a case that has no merit and will never see the light of day, because, again, I suck cocks, and don't really know anything about law. Also, I choose to ignore the manditory binding agreement waiving any right to sue. Again, the cock sucking."

Re-reading this, I realize that I intended to mention only one pet peeve, but in fact, described a few. Sorry if that is your pet peeve.

Posted by peanutbutterfilthy :: 8:42 PM :: 0 Comments:

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Saturday, November 21, 2009

And Now for Something Completely Different

So, I figured I would post something different. I will post 10 random shitty movies that suck balls, that for some reason I saw in the theatre. In random order:

1. Police Academy 4: Citizens on Patrol. Actually, I know why I saw that one. I thought (and still think) David Spade was funny and there was skateboarding in the beginning, and Tony Hawk and Lance Mountain or some other real skaters were the stunt doubles.

2. Revenge of the Nerds II: Nerds in Paradise. I will be straight up; hoping for some titties. There were none.

3. Disorderlies. You remember the Fat Boys? They were rappers. Fat rappers. Hence the clever name. No? Prince Markie Dee? What the fuck? Well, they put a movie out where they were care takers of some old white guy. I am not sure if this was the origin of the old white man-young black men comedy device, or what, but fuck did that movie suck.

4. Masters of the Universe. For those of you who have fond memories of this movie as being good, go to Wal-Mart, take it out of the the $2 DVD bin and buy it and watch it again. It is fucking awful and blasphemous to the He-Man saga.

5. Breakin'. Fuck yeah! Turbo and Ozone! Rich white girl, poor Puerto Rican and Black guy. What do they have in common? They are in some shitty West Side Story Remake! Oh, and they can dance. See, everyone is equal! I used to breakdance, and I had a piece of cardboard to do bacskpins on. So naturally I would see this.

6. Breakin' 2: Electric Boogaloo. Why would I have not seen the second one? Did you know that both these movies were released in 1984? Is that even legal?

7. Caddyshack 2. Shameful. Not even Chevy Chase could save it. Now Johnathan Silverman was in it, and I feel if Andrew McCarthy was in it with him, they could have saved it (see next entry).

8. Weekends at Bernie's. Now if you know me really well, you know my feelings about this movie. I have some bizarre love affair with it. I am fully aware that it is one of the dumbest movies ever. Completely retarded, implausible and poorly acted by most of the cast. But Andrew McCarthy and Johnathan Silverman are some kind of sorcerers. They are so fucking good together that I have watched this movie easily over 100 times. I have the entire script memorized. I used to say it out loud to myself while walking to school to pass the time.

9. Back to the Future 3. I could tell a time machine joke about going back in time and not making the movie, but that would be just as bad as making a part 4 to this franchise.

10. Johnny Dangerously. This movie was a complete mess. Just really not funny. And it was really broad humor that went out of it's way to try to be funny, but it was not. It kept insisting to me that it was funny. No, sir. It was not.

Posted by peanutbutterfilthy :: 9:11 PM :: 2 Comments:

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Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Play Nice

Here is something I do not recommend: getting me on the phone and then telling me what I will do for you. That will get you a swift kick in the fucking mouth. Especially if your request cannot be met and you blame my company for something that is completely your fault. You know that cautionary rule about not being rude to your server in a restaurant lest you want a pair of hairy, sweaty balls placed on your club sandwich for 2 minutes before arriving at your table? Well, think of your personal information and the internet in that same fashion. I do not advise that one pisses someone off that has your Social Security number. You will do this to wrong person one day who just does not give a fuck. Happy dialing!

Posted by peanutbutterfilthy :: 9:29 PM :: 0 Comments:

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Monday, November 09, 2009

"Dopeman, Dopeman, Yeah That's Me!"

So, I had one rep talking to a customer who had a balance of over $1000. $800 of this is past due. I saw at least 2 bounced check payments and a negative payment history. He was demanding we credit completely valid charges, haggling with the rep like a fucking used car salesman. I have another rep, talking to a customer who has a $0 balance, demanding that we take a $19,000 payment from him because his bank says he owes us the money. This guy was funny; he went to our website and made a check payment for over $20,000 (which obvously was a mistake). He calls us 2 days later and is really mad at us saying it was our fault. He makes multiple requests for a refund which all get denied because we need bank documents proving the payment cleared his account which he refused to give us. Ultimately the payment backed out (we suspect because he disputed it with his bank) and we never received the funds. A month later (a few days ago) he made a payment for the actual amount due bringing him the the $0 balance. However, he claims that the bank retutned his $20,000 and then so did we putting over $40,000 back in his bank. So he is calling us, wanting to make a payment for what we gave him back. That makes absloutely no fucking sense. Why would 2 entities give you the same funds back? Only one of them would have it. And second, do you really think I would take another fucking $19,000 payment from you so we can go through this shit all over again? When we told him he did not owe us $19,000 and we would not take a payment for it, he asked how he had $40, 000 in his bank. I guess that's how it is in the dope game.

Posted by peanutbutterfilthy :: 9:14 PM :: 1 Comments:

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Wednesday, November 04, 2009

Stick Em With the Bill

It is kind of hard to explain to a customer how their $1400 bill is accurate. Not hard, like I can't find the words. Hard, as in trying to get the customer to hear and underastand anything other than, "Of course I will waive over a thousand dollars of valid charges! That's just good business!" Now, admittedly, some jerk off did lead her to believe that it could be done, and I dealt with that internally. I don't have that kind of money to spend on a phone bill, but if I did that shit, I wouldn't expect a company just just fucking waive it. This person actually made payment arrangements on it at one point, meaning she accepted the fact that she is responsible for them. I guess she changed her mind. Not very handy for disputing the charges later.

Q. How much money did you credit her?

A. None, fucko.

Posted by peanutbutterfilthy :: 10:11 PM :: 1 Comments:

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Tuesday, November 03, 2009

Troubleshooting Flow

Yes, it is frustrating. I get it. Sure, you can even vent to me for a minute. But let's be realitsic. If it were as simple as flipping a switch or pushing a button, do you really think I wouldn't just do that? I am not purposely interrupting your, and only your service. Hence the term outage. Hence the recorded message you ignored to get to me, saying verbatim what that message said. Hence the 3000 plus calls waiting in line. Don't stay with me on the phone asking the same questions over and over again. This will not make engineers work faster. Just let me kiss your ass for 2 minutes, then go beat your kids. Fuck.

Posted by peanutbutterfilthy :: 9:45 PM :: 0 Comments:

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